


it's almost blue

by minhyukwithagun (deadlylampshades)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Enemies to Lovers, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Burn, dojae main and johnten side, jaehyun is sort of awful in this and so is doyoung and they get to be awful together, slow burn is the only burn 4 me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-16 00:27:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14152686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadlylampshades/pseuds/minhyukwithagun
Summary: Jaehyun lifts his lips up into a smirk and says, “I suppose you’re right. I’d like to go out with you sometime.”What Doyoung replies with is: “Oh sorry, I don't date blonds.”There’s a brief pause of sustained staring as Jaehyun attempts to unravel the complexity of that answer. Running a hand through his straw coloured hair, he tilts his head to the side. “I'm not… a natural blond.”“Oh yeah, that's obvious,” Doyoung snorts. “I just wanted an excuse on why I didn't want to go out with you without hurting your feelings."or: university takes four years before it's over and it takes Jaehyun and Doyoung four years before it even begins





	it's almost blue

**Author's Note:**

> i had this Hankering(TM) for a ridiculously specific kind of college au and i had such niche interests so i just uh wrote it myself
> 
> my eternal love to [cat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinees/pseuds/shinees) for the Best Feedback and the most important ideas

* * *

 

**FRESHMAN**

* * *

 

 

**Ten**

im trapped in an elevator lol

 

Jaehyun briefly looks down at his phone, and several potential replies flit through his brain, all showing mild interest in the circumstances that led Ten to this situation but none of them are laced with surprise. It’s entirely in line with Ten’s general lifestyle choices to end up in a situation like that. He figures he should at least check there’s some sort of plan to get him out before he starts leaving claw marks on the elevator doors when Joy clears her throat pointedly.

“Sorry,” he says, sliding his phone into his pocket. “What were you saying?”

Joy’s glossy lips are pressed together so tightly they stick. “ _We_ were talking about what we’re doing tomorrow? You mentioned your roommate is going to a party?”

“Ah, yes.”

Truthfully, Jaehyun can’t quite recall what Taeyong’s plans were. Some part of Jaehyun is grateful that his roommate is that perfectly blended cocktail of energized party goer and night owl that he is, because it keeps Jaehyun’s own evenings occupied and interesting. More often than not, Taeyong is the one leading him out the door to the event of the night and far too often it ends with their door buckling under their combined weight as they fall on it, attempting to press each other straight enough to slide the key into the lock.

“I think one of the sophomores is hosting it, I don’t know her though. Does he?” Joy asks. Her face is framed by her loose red hair, and it’s dangerously close to falling into her glass of orange juice. 

“I assume so,” Jaehyun shrugs. “It’s not like I know the nature of his interactions with every person on campus. Maybe she’s that one barista he’s friends with.” Jaehyun’s can’t even remember her name, but she’s a lovely girl, continuously supplying Jaehyun with coffee the morning after a night out which is great and all, but operates under the assumption that Jaehyun can manage the walk to the coffeeshop and doesn't just give up and lie on the grass in the middle of the quad, watching the footsteps of other students pass him by.

“You say that like I’m supposed to know who that is from such a vague description,” Joy replies. There’s a hint of - understandable - annoyance in her voice, but Jaehyun finds it difficult to care with the way his head is throbbing. He sips his sparkling water and shrugs again.

“How’s your Economics class going?”

“Horrible. How’s…” Jaehyun trails off. He’s looking at Joy intently, as if the answer to what her major would be written on her forehead . God, he knows this, he definitely _knows_ this, she told him when they met-

“Drama,” she completes, her voice strained. “It’s good.”

In Jaehyun’s defense, she’s the one who suggested meeting up, so really it’s _her_ fault that they’re in this situation. It’s what could be called a first ‘date’ but Jaehyun would be quick to add the air quotes around the term. They hooked up and she had texted him too much for it to just be a passing fling. Jaehyun mourned the loss of an afternoon nap that could have cured the migraine that had been haunting him for the past week.

Honestly, it’s class that interferes with his night time schedule more than anything else - if he didn’t have that goddamn 8am Anthropology lecture he could actually _sleep_ for once. Attendance is 40% of his grade and he's already skipped enough classes to know that he doesn't have the luxury of missing anymore - but that doesn’t make it any easier when he has to force himself out of bed, _especially_ if it’s for Joy, who’s not _really_ worth it.

Jaehyun wonders if he should set her up with Taeyong. They might be a better match. She studies drama, Taeyong has an overdramatic streak that comes out when he throws a bitch fit about Jaehyun’s snoring. It’s the perfect couple.

Jaehyun does wonder how Taeyong functions as a person, though, he never skips a class. He doesn't know how he manages it with the amount he drinks, but Taeyong’s apparently doing some nerd shit that he _can’t_ miss and finds the will in him to get up every morning. Jaehyun can’t quite recall the particular brand of nerd shit.

“Are you enjoying your water?” Joy asks politely.

“It definitely is liquid,” Jaehyun replies . That’s about the closest to an opinion one could have about water.

If he didn’t have class, it would be ideal, really, then Jaehyun could do everything he wanted _without_ the added hassle of having to wake up the next day and rush his homework in those few minutes between sitting in the seat next to Ten and the lecturer walking in. This conversation just reminds him that he needs to start taking sparkling water to class, maybe it’ll keep him conscious for at least half the lecture.

Joy lets out a small laugh that’s about an octave too high to be normal. “I don’t often come to this coffee shop, it’s on the opposite side of my dorm.” She points vaguely in the distance. Jaehyun absolutely does not care.

He feels sort of bad for stringing this conversation out, for even bothering to meet up with her when every moment spent sitting here is wasted breath, but she was so sweet in her texts using copious amounts of heart emojis that Jaehyun felt he could at least tell her to fuck off in person.

The thing about Jaehyun is he didn’t really mean to be the kind of person he was, it just kinda happened. He didn’t wake up one morning and decided to sever his emotions with a machete sharpened by his own lackluster childhood, it was never that dramatic. It was a gradual change, and it was such a simple one. It just meant putting your own interests before anyone else’s. Everyone should try it, it works out great. 

He was sort of an asshole, but that was fine, because it was better than pretending that life _wasn’t_ just a continued series of disappointments that eventually ended in death. He’d have made quite the poet if he actually enjoyed writing, or reading, which he didn’t. He grew increasingly bored with the world and every passing year of high school just exemplified this emotion. Oh, he tried to fill the gaping hole in his days with _things_ but they lacked any staying potential.  So when he decided to go to university it was for no glorious ambition of changing the world or saving the rainforests or whatever the fuck people do at university, it was just because he was so _bored_.

There was something inherently appealing about wearing a sweater of thorns over his skin, and there was something even more appealing about only using it when he wanted to, to be charming at the introduction and then horrible at the second, over glasses of sparkling water and orange juice. So Jaehyun was sort of an asshole. He knew that much - but only ‘sort of’. Only sometimes.

Joy clears her throat, and Jaehyun almost forgot that she was there. “So, uh, yes we haven’t really gotten a chance to get to know each other. Why did you choose to do Economics and then do Liberal Arts as a minor?” She sounds like she looked up his major on the online university portal, which is as endearing as it is sad.

Jaehyun sips the last of his water, and now he really has no reason to stay any longer. “Joy,  I think we should end this before it gets any further. I really don’t think I’m what you’re looking for.”

Joy had been drinking the orange juice through her straw and abruptly sips so much that she chokes, leaning back, spluttering. “What?”

“I mean, it’s not like you really liked me,” Jaehyun says.

“I… You can’t just assume things like that.”

Jaehyun hears his phone vibrates in his pocket and he wonders if that’s a message confirming Ten’s free or if it’s from university administration notifying him of the passing of his friend. “I’ve got to go, Joy. It was really nice meeting you.”

 He doesn’t hear her goodbye and doesn’t bother to ask her to repeat it.

*

He’s wiping crust  from the corners of his eyes after an extended Saw marathon with Taeyong when Ten leans in. They hadn’t met to watch the _whole_ franchise but it didn’t really seem like they could stop halfway.

His breath stinks like onions from the toasted panini he’s currently shoving into his mouth. “Cancel your plans for the night. I got us into a party.” 

Jaehyun exhales deeply, turning his face away from his mouth. “Ten, look you know I want to...”

“Then why does it seem like there’s a second part of your sentence?”

“I really need to study. So do you,” Jaehyun says, with great difficulty. The words are entirely foreign in his mouth and under any other circumstance he wouldn’t believe he’d say it.

“The test is second period.”

“Yes. Second period _tomorrow_. I’m not flunking another test in a row, we’re gonna end up failing the module and I _don’t_ want to have to go through this again.”

No one told Jaehyun that first year was overwhelming more than anything else. There were always _things_ happening, and every single event that Jaehyun had to miss because of school or because he couldn’t get up off the bathroom floor felt like he was losing out and that just reminded him of how he used to feel everyday of his life. At least he isn’t bored anymore, even if his liver yells muffled protests at him.

But Ten just takes another bite of his panini.  “Dude, this one is different. It’s hosted by a _senior._ ” He says senior in the tone of voice one would use to say unicorn.

“So?” Jaehyun says, exasperated. “We’ve been to parties hosted by seniors. It’s not exactly different except in location.”

“It’s one of the guys who stays in Nyx.”

And Jaehyun, who’s currently chewing on a hard candy in lieu of brushing his teeth, pauses. Because Nyx is an upperclassman dorm that’s reputation preceded it - one of being considerably more slack with the university’s policy on drugs and alcohol and Jaehyun’s own curiosity increases. “How did you even meet someone like that?”

“Got stuck in an elevator with the host of this party,” Ten shrugs, in that tone of voice that suggested it was a regular occurance. It reminds him that Jaehyun really meant to ask him how that turned out. “Johnny’s a cool guy. He said I could invite all my friends.”

“Ah yes, be sure to invite all three of them.”

 Their lecturer steps in, and he’s halfway to the projector, shooting Ten a dirty look when he attempts to hit Jaehyun, and he hides the rest of his panini in his bag. “I’m serious, though. We have to go. There’ll always be another test but this is an _opportunity_.”

*

It wasn’t really an opportunity.

Well, that was a bit harsh, it wasn’t as if the party could defend itself against any criticism. It was nice enough, he supposed, but Jaehyun would also reason if a party was described as ‘nice’ it wasn’t worth being at.

He was more impressed with the dorm room more than anything else - it was _huge_ compared to the tiny square he occupied. Johnny’s dorm had two whole bedrooms and a kitchen - meanwhile if Taeyong stretched too aggressively, he’d hit Jaehyun in the head .

Johnny’s friends had passed around a bong shortly after Ten and Jaehyun had shown up, and were content to just lie on the floor like scattered laundry, occasionally changing the dubstep playing through the speakers. Ten enjoyed himself but Jaehyun didn’t smoke  - never did, wasn’t really his thing, if he wanted to choke on something, he’d prefer it to be a part of anatomy of someone attractive rather than fumes from a lit cigarette .

So, he ended up on the couch, and he knew if he ended up at the couch he could have just gone home, because there’s nothing left to do. The couch was the refuge for those who’ve already given up. He’s mostly waiting to see if the supposed pizza Johnny ordered an hour ago will ever arrive.

Jaehyun scans the room for sight of Ten among the crowds of avid partygoers, all clustered in groups, chatting to each other, and his eyes catch on the only other person more alone and ill-fitting in the room than Jaehyun himself - a guy standing in the literal corner like he was born from a high school teen movie cliche, his posture slumped as he keeps his eyes on his phone. His thick outer jacket is still zipped up, as if ready to evacuate the building at the slightest chance.

As if he knows he’s being watched, he shifts his weight from one foot to the other and his big eyes look up through a fringe of black hair, surveying the area before going back to his phone. He doesn’t type anything, just stares down at the screen.  

 Jaehyun’s fooled around with guys in the way that any open-minded individual should when they’re a thousand miles away from any actual parental figure . And he has to say, unlike with girls, he doesn’t really have a type, those hookups were more sort of circumstantial based, like when it’s a game of truth or dare and it lands on some equally drunk freshman whereas with girls he’s highly particular about his preferences, almost to a painstaking degree.

So, with guys he doesn’t have a type. But if he did? _If he did_ , the guy in the corner would be it. The more he stares at him, the more sure Jaehyun is of this fact. Angular features, _sharp_ , like they could cut any observer to shreds with his jawline. Dark, dark eyes that stare up at him when he notices Jaehyun’s approach, and then that immediately looks back down, as if weary.

And tall.

Tall is what Jaehyun realizes when he’s right next to him. “Hey there,” Jaehyun says, having passed by the snack table and picked up two bottles of cider.  He’s pretty enough to bother getting off the couch for - and from the way the boy’s brows furrow in both curiosity and amusement, Jaehyun thinks he’s found something to satiate the boredom.

“Hello.”

Jaehyun offers him the bottle, the top facing him, just to make it abundantly clear it’s sealed. “Want a drink?”

He seems to refuse first, but then reconsiders it and takes the bottle with a nod. Jaehyun knocks the cap off his own against the wall and sips. The boy stares at his own bottle, uncomprehendingly. It takes a moment before the realization hits Jaehyun, and he doesn’t even try to suppress the smile which spreads across his face.

“Do you… want me to be open it for you?”

The boy’s lips purse into a dangerous horizontal line but he wordlessly holds out the bottle. Jaehyun tries to keep his laughing to a minimal as he removes the cap in the same manner, handing it back to him.

“I’m Jaehyun. First year. Business major with an arts minor.”

The boy takes a sip, biding his time for answering. “Doyoung. I’m also a first year.” Jaehyun expected nothing less from the conversational skills of someone who took residence in a corner.

He doesn’t offer his major, so Jaehyun asks him. “What are you studying?”

“Literature,” Doyoung says after a moment.

“Oh. You must be really smart then, I heard the Lit program was really exclusive .” It comes off kind of intimidating and Jaehyun wonders if he should tone it down a bit. He’s pleasantly surprised that this seems to light some spark and Doyoung stands up a little straighter.

“Yeah. It is. They only take thirty students a year and thousands apply.”

“Well, you’re certainly a special one aren’t you?” Jaehyun says, sipping his cider. It’s tasting a lot better now. “You must have had quite the competitive edge.”

 “I was in the top ten, actually.” There's a hint of pride in his voice. Jaehyun could use that.

“You weren’t the top one though, were you?” Jaehyun asks, and he doesn’t really have a reason to antagonize the stranger in front of him, but every pursued lip he got as a reaction was just _so_ entertaining. His failing repression of expressing anger was almost intoxicating, each clench of the fist or subtle adjust of the jaw was worth ten times any screaming match Jaehyun had experienced.

“Not yet. It’s only first year. I’ve got three more to get there, haven’t I?” Doyoung says, and now it seems he’s asking the questions, having gained apparent confidence.

“You think you’ll make it?”

“I know I will.” His chest puffs out as he looks down at Jaehyun, an analytical glint in his eye like he’s observing a puzzle piece. “Business _and_ arts? I don’t picture you as much of a painter.”

“Liberal arts,” Jaehyun says, waving his hand dismissively. “No painting. Just…” he pauses, breaking off. “Anthropology.”

 _Ah_. The test. He’d sort of forgotten about that but the realization is unable to go away now that it’s embedded in his mind. He had a test in about - he checks his phone - five hours. He needs to go _sleep_.

“Did you come here with someone?” Jaehyun asks abruptly, shoving his phone back in his jeans.

“Not exactly - I live here.”

“You… live here?” Jaehyun repeats, looking around as if expecting to see a giant family portrait, right there, next to the poster of Keira Knightley shirtless above the punch bowl .

“Yeah.”

“But…” A thousand different questions run through his head and he settles on: “Freshmen don’t stay in Nyx.”

“Johnny’s my brother. So we room together.” Doyoung seems hesitant about releasing this information, but doesn’t seem to have an alternative.

So the guy Ten got stuck in the lift with is the same guy who’s related to Doyoung  - Jaehyun’s pretty sure he hasn’t even had an actual conversation with Johnny, but can reasonably assume he must love weed more than he loves his roommate-slash-brother.

“And you’re like… okay with this?” Jaehyun gestured to the surroundings. As if on cue, a particularly loud burp sounds from the kitchen, followed by muffled giggles.

The lines on Doyoung’s brow grow deeper. “I don’t think that’s really relevant? It’s not like I’m responsible for hosting or anything. But I’m present. Clearly I am okay with it if I’m here, actively participating.”

He talks like he's trying to prove his case with named evidence and adequate identification. ‘ _Actively participating’_? It’s _adorable_. Jaehyun grins. “I think it would be cool to live here. Nyx seems like the dorm that’s where it’s happening. Such a good atmosphere.”

Doyoung snorts. “Yeah, it’s a real fun time. It smells of piss in the hallways. All the time. Literally all the time.”

Jaehyun noticed that, the acrid smell attacked his nostrils the second he set foot on Johnny’s floor, but he assumed it was just a Nyx thing that shouldn’t be questioned. “I stay in Nike. It’s quiet. Fucking far from all my classes, though, it’s like fifteen minutes just to go to the cafeteria.”

Doyoung seems to restrain a yawn. “Well, at least it doesn’t smell.” He may be a freshman by year, but there was nothing about his attitude that suggested he was anything less than an aging forty year old man.

“So, you _didn’t_ come here with someone?” Jaehyun clarifies after a moment. It’s clearly obvious, but he supposes Doyoung should make abundantly clear he doesn’t have some whiny girlfriend in the next room before Jaehyun tries anything further.

“No. Did you?” Doyoung asks. He’s trying to appear casual from the way he knocks back another sip of his drink, but his tone betrays his interest.

“My friend. Ten. I lost him about an hour ago, though, and I wouldn’t want to leave without him. He might disappear on the way home.”

“And as you have complained before, it’s just such a far walk, isn’t it?”

“I’m so glad you pay attention,” Jaehyun replies.  

The conversations draws to a natural close and Doyoung seems almost relieved. “Well, it’s almost morning, I’m going to head to bed. You should probably find your friend.” He moves off from the wall, shaking the bottle. The little liquid remaining sloshes against the glass.

“Oh, are you dismissing me?”

Doyoung halts and looks at Jaehyun, startled. “Uh. I mean. No. You can stay, I guess. It’s just… late, you know.”

“I mean, actually it’s _really really_ early.”

And Doyoung’s brief lapse in condescending facade fades and he just rolls his eyes. “Alright then, sure. You’re clearly looking for something from me. What exactly do you want?”

The thing about Jaehyun was where most people kept their self doubt in their subconscious, Jaehyun just kept his dauntlessness, neatly packaged in a Dick’s Sporting Goods box. Jaehyun _loved_ asking people out, it was possibly his most entertaining experience. There’s always the look of shock on their faces, and the brief moment of consideration.  Jaehyun had experienced rejection, but not nearly as much considering the frequency at which he prepositioned people - and it’s not like it meant anything to him either. He never asks out anyone he actually has any sort of emotional attachment to, _that_ would be horribly stupid. His odds are usually good, he almost always gets a ‘yes’. He’s just lucky like that.  Because that’s just who he is.

So he doesn’t expect anything other than acceptance when Jaehyun lifts his lips up into a smirk and says, “I suppose you’re right. I’d like to go out with you sometime.”

What Doyoung replies with is: “Oh sorry, I don't date blonds.”

There’s a brief pause of sustained staring as Jaehyun attempts to unravel the complexity of that answer. Running a hand through his straw coloured hair, he tilts his head to the side. “I'm not… a natural blond.”

“Oh yeah, that's obvious,” Doyoung snorts. “I just wanted an excuse on why I didn't want to go out with you without telling you directly and hurting your feelings. That ultimately proved useless.”

First of all, Jaehyun made an _extremely_ convincing blond.

“Why? You don’t even know me?” Jaehyun replies, attempting not to sound like he’s offended. Which is, rather difficult, because he _is_ offended.

“I think I’ve made quite the picture of you as a person from this brief conversation, and I’m not exactly a fan.”  Doyoung is blunt in the same manner that a hammer to the skull is. Painfully, and in a way that leaves your head spinning.

Jaehyun breaks up Doyoung’s statement into fragments and stores them in separate boxes in his mind. “Did I do something to offend you?” Jaehyun wasn’t _nice_ , but he was never nice, it would be ridiculous to attribute this rejection to something as trivial as politeness.

“Just your general existence seems to be wholly unpleasant,” Doyoung replies. “You seem to walk around with this aura of being better than anyone else despite no evidence backing that claim up.”

Ah. Jaehyun could say the same about him.

“Well, I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m sure if given the opportunity, I could change your mind,” Jaehyun says, plastering on a grin again, albeit crooked. “You haven’t even seen me with  my natural hair.”

“Jaehyun, I don’t _want_ to go out with you because of who you are as a person - not because you’re blond.”

“You don’t even know who I am as a person!” Jaehyun snaps back - and then pauses, because he didn’t mean to actually _react_. This isn’t how the game worked. If he got rejected, it was just a matter of starting from the beginning, or walking away. No one got under Jaehyun's skin because it was glued so tight to his skeleton and was like sandpaper to the touch. 

“And I don’t want to,” Doyoung replies smoothly and there’s an actual honest-to-god _glint_ in his eye. And that’s when Jaehyun realizes it. Doyoung is _enjoying_ this, he’s that particular brand of closeted sadist that thrived on encounters like this, he _wanted_ Jaehyun to be offended, to lose his cool, to throw a strop.

It just seemed a little too fitting that Jaehyun was just that particular brand of corresponding closeted masochist that adored the idea of having to smash his head against a wall until it or his skull caved in first. He _loved_ challenges, after all.

“I’ll change your mind.” Jaehyun says it like it’s a promise, like a commitment and Doyoung raises an eyebrow.

“You can’t take no for an answer, can you?”

“Oh, I can.” Jaehyun crosses his arms. “But this isn’t a ‘no’ though, is it?”

Doyoung doesn’t reply, merely stares at him, his eyes bearing down into him.

“I thought as much. This isn’t a rejection. This is more of a ‘maybe’. A sustained possibility.”

It wasn’t a no. No’s were more obvious. No’s were accompanied with a certain set of gestures and body language - and all Doyoung displayed was a forced blank demeanor that was betrayed by the subtle quirk of lips. Jaehyun had seen rejection, and this wasn’t it. This was something equally unfamiliar and intriguing. “You do what you want to, Jaehyun. I’m going. You can see yourself out, I’m certain.”

“I’ll see you around,” Jaehyun says.

Doyoung permits himself one final lingering look at Jaehyun and turns away. “I hope I don’t.”

*

The papers are barely handed in when Jaehyun all but pounces on a forlorn looking Ten, all gloomy eyed, standing in the corner of the lecture hall.

“That was an actual fuck up,” Ten sighs, rereading the question paper in his hand. There’s copius scribbles and what Jaehyun certainly hopes isn’t a tear stain. “Hypothetically, if you sucked our lecturer’s dick do you think he’d give us passing grade?”

“My dick sucking capabilities are worth a B at the very least, don’t sell myself short,” Jaehyun replies, and then shakes his head. “That’s irrelevant. I need to ask you something.”

They’re outside the lecture hall now, and all the other students are swapping answers about the test - and Jaehyun decidedly walks as far away as possible from everyone who has one of the scripts in their hands.

“Do you know anyone in the Literature department?”

“Like faculty members? God no, why would I know that? I’m a humble Dance major, not bourgeoisie  scum,” Ten replies, shoving the test into his bag.

“No, like students. You’re the brand of weird that starts convos with strangers, aren’t you? So you’ll know someone.”

Ten opens his mouth to protest but seems to think better of it. “Who is it?”

“A guy I met yesterday. He’s a Lit student.”

“Ah, so when you have conversations with strangers it’s just casual banter but when it’s me it’s weird?”

Jaehyun doesn’t dignify that with a response. “His name is Doyoung.”

“Haven’t heard of him.”

Jaehyun wonders why he hesitates to reveal the information that Doyoung is Johnny’s brother. He did seem to divulge it in privacy - but it’s not as if he had made any explicit warning to prevent Jaehyun from telling anyone. “He’s Johnny’s brother.”

This gets Ten’s attention and he turns to face Jaehyun, giving him his full attention. “Like… _Johnny_ Johnny?”

“Yup.”

“I didn’t know he had a brother,” Ten says, his brow creasing.

“They live together,” Jaehyun says. “He’s younger than him. Freshman like us.”

“I’ll bring it up next time I hang out with him, I guess. ”

There’s a hesitation in the way Ten says this, as if it’s some secret. Jaehyun picks this up, of course he does. “And when do you plan on hanging out with him again?”

“Whenever it happens,” Ten says. “I mean this is a talking point if nothing else.”

“You know, I do wonder where you were for most of last night? What happened that caused you to abandon me?”

The half-hearted attempt at emotional blackmail slides off of Ten like he’s coated in plastic. “Alright then, calm down there, don’t pretend like you were missing me. You probably only even noticed I was gone because you got bored.”

A truthful assessment of the situation. Jaehyun waits patiently for Ten to explain himself.

“I wasn’t doing _anything_. I was just hanging out with Johnny and his friends. I’m allowed to have friends that aren’t you, you know.”

“I encourage it, actually,” Jaehyun replies. “You trail after me like you think I’ll disappear at midnight.”

But Ten doesn’t care for this topic and crosses his legs, facing Jaehyun. “Why do you care about Johnny’s brother, anyway?”

Jaehyun didn’t control his expressions fast enough, and his face betrayed a grimace. It was a second long - but enough for Ten to notice. “And that?”

“I _don’t_. He’s just horribly weird and I wanted to know if you knew anything more about him.”

“Weird, how?”

The words don’t seem to manifest properly. “Doyoung is… just… not what you’d expect of someone. Of anyone. Just weird.”

Ten appears entirely unconvinced. “You’ve met weird people before. Why is Johnny’s brother any different?”

“He’s just peculiar in a way that guarantees entertainment.”

“Ah, so you’re only curious because he’s better than TV?”

Jaehyun doesn’t bother replying, takes out his phone and tries to figure out if he’s going to put in the effort to going back to his dorm for a nap before he has an Introductory Economics lecture.

“You know you’ll tell me what’s going on eventually, you know?” Ten says.

“Nothing is going on. Don’t make drama where none exists.”

“Alright,” Ten holds out his hands in defeat. “If you say so. Just don’t be surprised when you do end up telling me.”

*

“I asked him out and he turned me down.”

Jaehyun exhales the cigarette smoke and watches it drift up to the ceiling. Ten doesn’t smoke cigarettes, refuses to, and he hears a pointed cough at the intrusion of smoke into the room. It’s a new habit of Jaehyun he’s picked up in the past two weeks - hardly a habit, really. It’s not a thing. It’s just something to pass the time between classes.

Like right now, on Ten’s floor, pretending they both don’t have assignments due in this week.

“Stop pretending to fake cough,” Jaehyun chastises.

“It _wasn’t_ fake. But,” Ten says, adjusting the pillow under his head, “I had a feeling it might be something like that. You don’t just casually ask about people unless they’ve got something you want. You’re just that kind of person.”

It’s true. Jaehyun takes another drag.

“So, what’s your issue? Do you have feelings for him?”

“God, no,” Jaehyun chokes on the smoke. “No, it’s nothing like that, it’s not like I had any attachment. It’s more like… I was surprised. I didn’t think he’d reject me.”

“Did he give you a reason why?” Ten asks, in a tone that suggests he doesn’t really care but he’s a good enough of a friend to pretend to.

“He said it’s because I’m blond.”

The second Jaehyun says it, Ten bursts out in laughter. “Your fake ass dye job actually convinced a real human being you were a natural blond?”

“That’s _not_ what it was about!” Jaehyun bristles, rubbing the strands on his head. His roots are starting to grow out, and he thinks he might just go back to brown. Blond wasn’t worth it anymore. “Then he just started insulting me.”

“Aww, did he hurt your feelings?”

“What feelings?”

“Don’t talk yourself down like that, Jaehyun. You have at least two emotions: annoyed and horny .”

Ten is sort of an asshole, but Jaehyun is moreso than him, and to be quite honest, he’d rather have this conversation with him than with someone who’d actually care and attempt to console Jaehyun about his rejection.

“So, he bruised your ego. Is that it?” 

Jaehyun flicks the ash off his cigarette. It falls on his jacket and he shakes it off and Ten makes a distasteful noise as it lands on his bedroom floor. For a moment, Jaehyun is tempted to try and explain exactly why Doyoung intrigued him. If it had been anyone else who asked him out, he feels that Doyoung could have reduced the person to tears - but then again, would anyone else besides Jaehyun himself inspire that particular kind of hidden viritol? 

But while Ten and Jaehyun perhaps had a similar understanding of each other, Ten lacked that vital tenor of Jaehyun’s thoughts and wouldn’t quite understand why he found Johnny’s brother quite that fascinating.

“Yeah. That’s it. I can’t believe he wouldn’t want to go out with me,” Jaehyun says, settling on a tone of mock outrage. “I’m really hot.”

“Is he even into dudes?”

“I would assume so. He didn’t immediately whip out a ‘no homo’ when I came onto him, and that’s usually a sure sign.”

Ten hums under his breath. “If it makes the pain lessen, I’m sure you can do better than a Lit student. Aren’t you _currently_ doing better?”

Jaehyun stares perplexed for a moment. “Oh!” he realizes. “That Drama girl? Joy? Oh yeah, that’s not a… recurring thing.” He pauses. “I honestly mistook her for the redhead in my Economics class, I just wanted study notes. I ended things with her. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Doyoung can enjoy the rest of his lackluster life by himself.”

Ten just laughs. “Don’t worry Jaehyun, you can do better. If I was into dudes, I’m sure I’d want to date you.”

“Oh, this is awkward, I don’t know how to tell you this but you’re not my type.” 

 

* * *

 

**SOPHOMORE**

* * *

 

 

**Ten**

hey this is johnny. im pretty sure we’ve met before! ten left his phone here when he came over last night and i’m not sure where exactly to find him to give it back. you’re his most recent contact, could you tell him i have it?

**Me**

God did he seriously lose it?? Sorry for the trouble lmao

**Ten**

Nah don’t worry about it. Could you tell him to drop by and pick it up?

 

“You’re an idiot, you know,” Jaehyun says, knuckles rapping against the door.

“I didn’t realize it slipped out of my pocket! And it’s not like you were there to help!”

“I told you I had to go to Taeyong’s thing, I didn’t have time to be your wingman.”

“You’re never my ‘wingman’! I just needed a friend, but I guess that was too much to ask-”  Ten’s passive aggressive tirade is cut off by the door opening.

Johnny appears, brown hair messy from sleep, and yawns. “Ten! Jae! Great to see you guys, come on in, I’ve got your phone here.”

The room looks different in daytime - it’s still untidy, still got that one poster of Keira Knightley and she’s still shirtless, but it’s got a certain charm to it, like it’s the epitome of a college residence. Johnny’s laptop is open, a Spotify playlist of Drake’s songs resounding around the room and it seems just as lively as it is during parties, even with much less people. It must just be Johnny’s aura, tinging the atmosphere with energy. 

He hands over Ten’s phone to him - there’s a noticeable new crack right down the middle. “I found it balanced on the balcony, about to fall. I don’t even know how it ended up there,” Johnny says, frowning. “I’ll ask the other guys if they know. I’m really sorry, Ten.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Ten says. “I’m just glad to have it back, I do not have the money for a new phone right now.”

Jaehyun raises an eyebrow. “How did you know his passcode?”

“I guessed,” Johnny says sheepishly. “He said he always had trouble remembering numbers and I remember he stayed in the room number 4028. Guess I was right in suspecting he’d make that his passcode.”

“That’s… amazing,” Ten says, staring in mute amazement. Jaehyun figures this is a friendship defining moment for the two of them, but he also really doesn’t care. The balcony sliding door is open, and Jaehyun takes the opportunity to examine the view in daylight.

It’s nothing that spectacular, the cafeteria is just about visible in the horizon, and there’s just other buildings in eyesight. The breeze is nice though, brushing against Jaehyun’s skin. He sort of wishes he stayed in a room with a balcony - the best Taeyong and Jaehyun make do with is a narrow window that’s dirty more often than it’s not.

Jaehyun turns around. He’d been expecting Doyoung to emerge by now - but then again, if there’s any type of person who’d hide in their room when company is over, Jaehyun is sure it would be Doyoung.

“Johnny?” Jaehyun calls.

Johnny breaks off from his enthusiastic conversation with Ten to turn to Jaehyun. “What’s up?”

“Is Doyoung in?” Jaehyun asks. He avoids Ten’s look of interest, focusing only on Johnny who’s eyes widen at the question.

“Uh, I didn’t know you two were friends,” Johnny says, his head tilted.

“We’re not,” Jaehyun says, quickly. “But is he in?”

Johnny’s answer is distant. “No, he’s gone out.”

“But… we’re on study leave. It’s eight in the morning.”

“He doesn’t really spend a lot of time here,” Johnny shrugs. “I can tell him you asked about him?”

Jaehyun shakes his head, turning back to the balcony. “Don’t bother. We’re not friends.” 

*

“I should have applied for another roommate,”  Taeyong sighs, upon walking into the dorm room and seeing Jaehyun’s heart patterned boxers right in the doorway. He gingerly tosses it to the side using the toe of his sneaker.

“You should have,” Jaehyun agrees, eyes fixed on his laptop. “But if it wasn’t for me, you’d live such a boring life.”

“When did _you_ become the party animal?” Taeyong scowls, dumping his heavy textbook on the desk. “I don’t even remember the last time I went out without you.”

“I do. You left at 7:30 with some of your science friends and came back at 8:42 because you remembered you had a lab report due,” Jaehyun informs him, the grin in his voice evident.

“I want to tell you that you’re wrong but that sounds just about right.”

Taeyong has been somewhat scarce lately, and while Jaehyun doesn’t necessarily miss him, it would be nice to hang out with someone who’s life was in perpetual balance between academic exclusion and the Dean’s List . It always made Jaehyun feel better about his own life - at least when he failed Anthropology all he got was a lecture from his parents. Taeyong's scholarship seemed threatened to be pulled out from underneath him at a moment's notice and consequently, it seemed like Taeyong hadn't exhaled in about a month.

“We haven't hung out in a while,” Jaehyun says. “Outside of the room.”

Taeyong nods. He's slipping off his sweater and putting on a faded Pokemon  shirt. “Yeah, I agree. The last time was when we dyed your hair. I didn’t even realize all we did last year was go to parties. We could have done literally anything else. Bowling, for one. That sounds like it could be fun.” He folds the sweater over the back of the swivel chair and halts, looking at Jaehyun thoughtfully. “You know there is actually something we could do together. If you wanted to. My cousin is coming here next year you know, and he wanted to tour the campus sometime. If you want, we could take him together. I think he’d really like you.”

Jaehyun wonders what's the diplomatic way to tell him that idea of playing happy family with Taeyong's cousin sounds so dull he'd rather impale himself on his own mechanical pencil.

“Why’s he already set on coming here?” is all Jaehyun says.

There's a hint of pride in Taeyong's voice. “Mark's already been provisionally accepted. Scholarship and everything.” Taeyong shrugs off his jeans and hangs it up in his closet. “He's had one of those buddy mentor systems for the last year and it's really made him so committed to his studies. He’s doing his homework, he’s doing extra credit, this guy is such a good influence. It’s a guy here, actually.”

“I remember when the mentorship applications for that went around. I can't believe they actually thought we'd willingly talk to children and not even get paid for it,” Jaehyun says. The forms were pink in colour and shoved under every dorm door. Jaehyun used his to help Ten roll a joint. 

“Well it worked for Mark, he’s so much more dedicated now,” Taeyong says, voice blooming with pride. “It's actually kind of admirable. I never even knew he'd be much of a Literature guy.”

Jaehyun’s memory pulls forth the sole connection it has towards the field of literature and his university: Doyoung. And it's ridiculous to even assume that there's any possibility that Taeyong's high schooler _cousin_ could know some random guy who may not even study the subject anymore, may not be a mentor or _even still be at the university_.

But Jaehyun's a lucky guy. He knows this. It’s just who he is. So when he asks Taeyong, in such a casual tone of voice: “Do you know who Mark's mentor is? Like their name?”

And Taeyong answers: “Doyoung,  I think.”

Jaehyun isn't that surprised. Not really. Because he’s him, and he’s just lucky like that. “You know, now that I’m thinking about it I'd actually really like to go on a tour with you and Mark. It would be great to meet him. You should tell him to schedule it with his mentor as well. We can make a whole afternoon of it.”

“Oh man, really?!” Taeyong exclaims, eyes widening. “I didn't think you'd be into the idea truthfully, that's so awesome.” Taeyong sees the best in everyone and seems to genuinely believe that Jaehyun has an interest in the life of his teenage cousin. It's actually adorable in its naivety. “Mark is gonna be so excited to meet you.”

*

Excited would be an understatement. Mark is so goddamn energetic that Jaehyun would swear he must be on at least some of the several kind of drugs that Ten hides under his bed. But he isn’t. The guy’s like 12 , and the only high he’s on is the anticipation of university, and Jaehyun can’t even begin to imagine what that must feel like.

“Oh man, it's so great to meet you Jae,” Mark gushes. “Taeyong has told me so much about you!”

Jaehyun's smile falters as he attempts to figure out what Taeyong could possibly have told him about 'Jae’.

“Nothing bad, don't worry, he just thinks it's cool that you used to play basketball,” Taeyong is quick to whisper in his ear. “He thinks you’re just… really cool.” 

“We should play a game together sometime,” Jaehyun says because he does have a talent of giving people what they want and Mark’s face lights up. “It'll be really fun.”

Jaehyun has deliberately kept his focus on Mark for the past five minutes, asking him everything from where he goes to school to what his favourite colour is. Taeyong can't stop beaming but that's of no interest to him. His real object of focus is the other student, currently noticeably quiet next to Mark's chatter.

Doyoung is thin lipped, staring resolutely into the distance. In a technical sense, he's leading the tour - he's choosing where to go, he's walking in front of everyone else, but he's so obviously out of Mark's sphere of interest. From the introductions, Mark had barely exchanged a word with him, focusing his attention solely on his cousin and Jaehyun.

“So what dorm do you stay in? I read on the website that they're all named after the Greek pantheon?” Mark asks and before Doyoung can even attempt to answer, Jaehyun swoops in.

“We stay in Nike.” And then, with a theatrical double take, as if he had forgotten that Doyoung was there, adds: “Oh, and Doyoung stays in Nyx.”

“Not anymore,” Doyoung corrects sharply. “I’ve moved. I stay in Erebus.”

Jaehyun files that particular fact away. It’s interesting sure, but the opportunity to annoy Doyoung is right there, and so enticing. “Those are the accomodation near the sports fields,” Jaehyun says.

“Yes. That's exactly what I was going to say, thank you for sparing my precious moments of breath.” It's said audibly for all parties but no one seems to react.

“Taeyong said he won’t let me see your dorm,” Mark says, frowning.

“It’s really untidy,” Jaehyun says apologetically. It’s a bit of an understatement, Taeyong’s probably just worried Mark might electrocute himself on the microwave’s faulty wiring.

“You can see mine,” Doyoung is quick to add.

“Oh, but that’s near the sports fields, isn’t it? That’s a bit far away,” Jaehyun says, eyes shining.

“Yeah, that’ll be too far to walk. No worries Mark, you can come around another time and see our room,” Taeyong says.

Doyoung’s sour expression remains as the tour carries on, and Taeyong and Mark end up in a conversation about family matters and Jaehyun finally, finally gets a conversation alone with him. He’s surprised it’s taken so quickly, Jaehyun was fully prepared to wait the whole day. Because what many fail to understand about Jaehyun is that he's incredibly, incredibly patient and he’s already waited a year for their reunion, an hour two or more wouldn’t cost him anything.

“I never imagined someone like you quite so interested in the minds of the youth,” Doyoung says dryly.

“It's a passion, I would say.”

“Oh, I wholly agree. That's why I applied to be a mentor. Perhaps you should have too, if it's _such_ a passion.”

Jaehyun turns to assess Doyoung - and he looks even better than last year. He's grown taller, impossibly so - either that or Jaehyun has begun to shrink. He's wearing such an _appropriate_ outfit, a neutral button down shirt and chinos. All he'd need is a tie, and he'd look like one of his Economics lecturers.  

It's kind of hot.

“It’s such a fun coincidence that we met like this again, especially after so long,” Doyoung says, his words carefully measured.

“The world is beautiful in its chaos, isn’t it?” Jaehyun replies. “Does that sound like something out of your literature classes?”

“No. It sounds like something said by one of the dropouts from freshman year, however.” Doyoung’s tone is sharp. 

Jaehyun gives no further elaboration as to how he ended up on this tour. They both continue walking in silence, and he’s entirely fine with this, because Jaehyun could let the afternoon pass by till the second Doyoung snaps, and he does, of course he does, because no one can outwait Jaehyun.

“I’m not stupid, and neither are you, clearly. How did you even end up here?” Doyoung’s voice betrays his genuine curiosity. “From what I’ve seen, today’s the first time you even met Mark!”

“Just helping out a friend of mine. Taeyong’s my roommate. This is important to him.”

The answer is unsatisfactory but Doyoung doesn’t have any evidence to press it any further. “Well, you’re not helping me.”

“You’re not my friend, though, are you?” Jaehyun replies, blinking slowly and Doyoung’s lips curl into a grimace.

“You’d be right about that.” Doyoung seems about two steps away from raising his hands to strangle Jaehyun.

“What am I doing to offend?” Jaehyun asks, pouting his bottom lip. The display is so overtly childish, it’s actually entertaining. If this is what acting was like, perhaps he should have done drama as his minor, rather than focus on the rotting bones and rusted tools of archaeology.

Doyoung thrusts his hands into his pockets, staring up at the back of Mark’s head of brown hair. “You know, it’s actually so annoying. I’ve been mentoring that kid for a _year_ , I have put actual time and effort into trying to refine him into the best possible student he could be. I've had to listen to him whine about his girl problems , complain about his homework and every other type of teen angst imaginable.” Doyoung’s jaw clenches. “And he met you _today_ and he absolutely adores you, more than I could ever dream of. You didn’t even _do_ anything, he just sort of instantly loves you.”

“Are you jealous?” Jaehyun asks, unable to keep the delight out of his voice.

“I’m _annoyed_ , Jaehyun,” Doyoung’s voice is a snarl when he corrects him, and then he pauses, attempting to stabilize himself. “I’m annoyed that you’ve come out of whatever grotto you dwell in just to undermine me in front of someone who’s respect I'm cultivating.”

“Respect isn't fucking parsnips, Doyoung. You don't _cultivate_ it,” Jaehyun says.

Doyoung’s teeth are on show for a moment before he swallows. “I'm annoyed, Jaehyun. I'm annoyed.”

Doyoung can't be as smart as he thinks he is if he just willingly gives Jaehyun his victory like this, but Jaehyun will gladly accept it regardless. He's _annoyed_. Jaehyun actually managed to unnerve his condescending facade enough to cause some sort of reaction. It’s better than any trophy.

“Stop looking so pleased with yourself,” Doyoung chides. “Irritation is one of the most basic human emotions, I'd hardly put any pride into eliciting it out of me.”

All Jaehyun says is: “I'm just glad Mark's having a good time.”

Rolling his eyes, Doyoung seems to briefly consider catching up to the two in front of him but reconsiders at the way Taeyong throws his arm around Mark, pointing out the clocktower. “I see the familial resemblance.”

“It’s endearing in small doses, aggravating at anything longer than an hour and we’ve been here for nearly two,” Jaehyun says and Doyoung allows himself an exhale that could potentially be construed as a breathy laugh.

Jaehyun makes no attempt to start another line of conversation, but keeps pace with Doyoung. The university is big, the plains of land open and free of students at this odd time, and eventually Doyoung succumbs to the awkwardness of the silence of walking together and he clears his throat.

“How's your studies?” Doyoung asks and Jaehyun has to actually stare because he isn't sure if he's actually imagining this.

“My 'studies’? You sound like my high school guidance counselor,” Jaehyun snorts. “They're fine. I'm still here after all.”

Doyoung’s eyebrows furrow. “It was a reasonable question. You hardly seem dedicated to your degree in - what was it again?”

“I know you remember what I study. Don’t act coy.”

The brief smile that crosses Doyoung’s face is confirmation that he does remember. “It’s such a strange combination of majors that it makes me wonder what your motivation was. Did you have nothing better to do or was it just the free WiFi which attracted you here?”

It was the former. It was absolutely the former. It was an eighteen year old Jaehyun staring at the spot of mold on his bedroom ceiling trying to figure out if it was worth the effort in bothering to send in his university applications or just use the application fee to try crystal meth.

He sent it in.

But none of this matters to Doyoung, because this isn't a conversation between friends, this  is just sort of an extended game of verbal chess that may or may not end with him stripped in his bedroom sheets, and it’s Jaehyun’s turn to move.

“How are your studies, Doyoung? Read any good books lately?”

“Only the best. My studies are great.”

“You moved out. So I’ve heard.”

Doyoung's pace adjusts ever so slightly to be faster. It's the only sign that he’s affected by Jaehyun’s statement. “I did. I notice you reek of cigarette smoke.”

“I’m in the process of quitting ,” Jaehyun says, smiling without any particular happiness. “But enough about me. You’ve moved, that’s exciting. Although, a bit of a downgrade to move out of Nyx.”

“On paper, yes, but I’m happier where I am.”

“Why?”

“Is it any of your business?”

He's unravelled a thread, and Jaehyun intends to tug on it until he's laid bare. “I think there has to be some reason as to why you felt that moving out after only a year seemed to be the most rational course of action, and I'd reason that you'd probably benefit from confirmation from an external party that it was the right thing to do.”

There’s a sharp but brief laugh. “‘External party’? Maybe I was wrong, you should have been part of my degree, they all talk like they’re mid monologue in their one man show.”

Jaehyun doesn’t halt his questioning. “Did Johnny do anything?”

“It's not nearly as dramatic as you think it is. I just didn't want to live with him anymore. Being his roommate was not conductive to either of us. Simple as that. You seem highly disappointed.”

The answer is so plain that Jaehyun feels his smile fall and Doyoung notices it, seeming to laugh a little.

“Who’s he staying with now?” Jaehyun asks. It’s curious that Ten hasn’t informed Jaehyun of this development - unless he didn’t know which says more about his relationship with Johnny than anything else.

“No one as far as I know, though I’d make a strong case for the rats in the ceiling. We’re still on speaking terms, he hasn’t been disinherited. Life isn't quite the soap opera that we wish it was.”

We.  He clearly doesn’t realize the change in pronoun and Jaehyun decides not to bring it up, not when there’s actual progress about who and what Doyoung is. And it appears to be that he’s recently evicted.

“Speaking of Johnny,” Doyoung says,  a trace of hesitation, and it reminds Jaehyun of the same hesitation he had a year ago, speaking about him as well. “Did you, uh, tell anyone that we were related?”

Jaehyun stares. “How could you possibly trace such _general_ information to me?” He did tell Ten, but that was _one_ person. Even if Ten told someone else, the nature of Doyoung’s parentage and lineage was hardly that interesting.

“So it was you?”

Jaehyun weighs the pros and cons of confirming the statement or lying. “You didn’t make it seem like it was confidential information.”

“It isn’t,” Doyoung says, and then hesitates. “Well, you’re right that I didn’t tell you otherwise. No, it’s just… not entirely accurate.”

“How do you incorrectly identify a basic familial relationship?” Jaehyun barely knew his extended relations beyond his parents, but at least he _knew_ that much.

“He’s my step-brother. And I had someone refer to him as my actual brother and I was attempting to trace where exactly it started.”

He sounded _tired_ if nothing else - so tired that Jaehyun would have almost bad, but he wasn’t about to let an apology fall from his lips for something that was not his fault.

“I hope it didn’t cause too much inconvenience.”

Doyoung doesn’t reply. It must be too much of an _inconvenience_.  

Ahead, Mark points out the dome-shaped building of the cafeteria. “Can we get something to eat?”

Jaehyun flashes him a thumbs up and Mark beams, turning to inform Taeyong. Babies were inconvenient, children were annoying but teenagers in that particular thin time frame wherein they know enough of the world to idolize Jaehyun but not enough to look deeper: that type of reverence was something Jaehyun could get used to.

“We're not close.”

The words emerge from Doyoung's mouth unexpectedly, like some sort of cough. Doyoung himself seems surprised that he said it out loud.

“If you weren't close, why did you live together?”

“To become close,” he says like it's the most obvious thing. “Didn't work out.”

“I don't have any siblings,” Jaehyun says almost as an offering, an exchange of information. “Don't think I'm missing much.” He lets Taeyong and Mark lead the way to the cafeteria and they're entirely out of earshot when he asks: “What was the final straw? Did he break your laptop the day before an assignment was due? Sold your bed for weed money?”

Doyoung stares at him. “No? God, no, I keep telling you it wasn’t dramatic. We just had different intentions of our university experience and I felt like it was best to move our separate our ways.”

Mental math was never Jaehyun’s strong suit but he runs over some numbers in his mind. “Wasn't he supposed to have graduated, actually?”

Doyoung's hesitation speaks volumes. “Supposed to? Yes.”

“Oh, come on,” Jaehyun says, rolling his eyes. “Everyone fails a course or two, no need to cut him out of the family tree just yet.”

“It's not just that- you don't-,” Doyoung cuts himself off. “I have no idea why I'm even talking about this with you. You don't care.”

Well, that was accurate. He _didn’t_ care about the finer nuances of Johnny’s academic career. He did have a somewhat fragile interest in its effect on Doyoung, though. “But don’t you feel that much better for telling me about it?”

“Even if I do, it’s not like you care about that either.”

Jaehyun cocks his head to the side. “You have quite the habit of predicting things you have no actual knowledge of. Perhaps you should have gone into theology, become a prophet of sorts. I think it would suit you nicely.”

“I’d agree with you and say that founding a religion is an idea I’ve entertained but as evidenced I’ve already lost my first disciple,” Doyoung says with an actual smile, gesturing his chin towards Mark. His smile is bright, almost ill-fitting on his face with its size.

 They step into the cafeteria and the scent of overcooked oil attacks Jaehyun’s nostrils. He’s careful to avoid stepping on any obvious spills as they navigate to the burger place Taeyong points at. Mark already stands in line, reading off the menu with a look of awe.

“I should get going, I have a lecture at four,” Doyoung says, checking his phone. Jaehyun wonders if he just doesn’t want to eat the calorific disaster of the burgers. He bows his head slightly to Taeyong. “It was lovely meeting you and Mark, I look forward to seeing him more next year.”

Jaehyun has to turn away from the gushy stream of compliments which falls out of Taeyong’s mouth. He thanks Doyoung for about every second of his time he’s invested in his cousin and it’s quite embarrassing to witness.

Doyoung thrives in the praise, his head held high, satisfied smile plastered on his face and Jaehyun notices that Doyoung leaves their goodbye for last.

“I’ll walk you outside,” Jaehyun offers and it’s too innocuous for Doyoung to refuse in front of Taeyong and Mark.

“I can’t say that it was enjoyable seeing you again-” Doyoung begins.

“So, still won’t go out with me?” Jaehyun cuts off, hardly willing to expend the limited time walking to the exit with small talk.

Doyoung blinks once, twice. “It’s been a year, I-”

“Yes?”

“No.”

Jaehyun’s lips curl into a smirk despite himself. “I expected as much.”

“Quite surprisingly, trying to get with someone generally doesn’t involve one upping them against a teenager. I’m not going out with you Jaehyun.” There’s a pause. “I’m confused as to why you even bother asking.” He doesn’t look confused - rather the forceful tilt of his eyebrows seem to suggest a challenge.

“Well, we don’t have to go _out_ if that’s your issue,” Jaehyun says, lingering on the syllables. “There’s plenty of things to do if you stay in.” 

When the realization hits, Doyoung’s mouth hangs open like he’s some sort of innocent flower who’s offended at the very suggestion. “I’m not a hookup type.”

“I’m just putting the offer there.”

“And you can take it right back, all the way back, and never let it see the light of day again,” Doyoung snorts. There’s a twinkle in his eye - but perhaps that’s just the refraction from the fluorescent lights hanging above.  His lips curve upwards. Jaehyun wonders what he tastes like under that smirk.  

“Do you even have a reason this time?”

The illuminated ‘EXIT’ sign shines above the cafeteria door. “Jaehyun, you’re an interesting person. But interesting is where I’d end the discussion. All you are is interesting, and not much else. That’s not the basis for a relationship or anything close to one.” He pauses. “Goodbye, Jaehyun. Maybe I’ll see you around.”

It’s said with such dismissal that quickly, briefly, for a second, Jaehyun wonders if perhaps he had severely misread the subtext underlining their interactions, and perhaps Doyoung really didn’t like him at all-

But then Doyoung’s hand is on the door handle, and he pauses before opening it. “You look good with dark hair .” It’s the last thing he says before he turns away, disappearing down the corridor.

*

**Ten**

so i have a question

**Me**

is the entirety of google broken

**Ten**

haha.

anyway i’m curious as to why there’s a pic of you on taeyong’s instagram next to some teenager and… doyoung? that is him right?

**Me**

yea.

**Ten**

Oh, are you friends now?

**Me**

Lmao no he still hates me. Don’t read too much into it.

**Ten**

Of course. You can absolutely upload what looks like the annual family photo between two proud academic fathers and their teenage prodigy child and then accuse me of reading too much into it.

I saw you read that. Don’t ignore me.

What happened today?

**Me**

Nothing. Ended up there by accident, and just tagged along. Nothing happened. Coincidence.

**Ten**

Cool cool

So what happened

**Me**

Come over later. Buy me a pack on the way. I’ll pay you back.

**Ten**

You didn’t pay me back last time.

Right, back to leaving me on read, real mature Jaehyun.

 

*

“It took you that long and you still got the wrong brand?” Jaehyun says, dropping notes into Ten’s outstretched hand regardless, grabbing the cigarettes with eager hands. He had to last the entire afternoon without one, he’s desperate.

Ten rolls his eyes. “They all look the same.”

“God, you disgust me.”

He isn’t dignified with a response and Ten collapses on Taeyong’s bed, opening up his laptop. “Who’s the kid in that pic anyway?”

“Taeyong’s cousin.”

“I see no familial resemblance but perhaps that’s for the best. The last thing any kid needs is to look like the copycat version of Taeyong .”

Jaehyun sits on Taeyong’s bed, not willing to expend the effort to climbing onto his own bunk. It’s not like Taeyong would notice, he’s gone to the train station with Mark. Well, he’ll probably notice when he realizes his sheets smell like smoke from the cigarette he’s currently lighting, but that’s a problem for later.

“How was it seeing Doyoung again?” Ten asks, one eye on the laptop playing an episode of Game of Thrones, the other on Jaehyun.

“It was _interesting_ ,” Jaehyun says carefully, and then as an afterthought: “I want him.”

Over the top of the laptop, he can see Ten roll his eyes. “Still? Why does he even matter so much to you, he’s just some… random guy. He’s moderately attractive. That’s it. You’re not even that into Literature, you don’t even read your own textbooks.”

“He’s interesting.”

“You don’t even _know_ him, how can you say he’s interesting? All you’ve done was just ask him out _twice_ and he rejected you both times. Jaehyun, you’re not the kind to persist in something this impossible.”

Jaehyun wrinkles his nose when he sees ash fall on Taeyong’s sheets. He was definitely going to complain about that. “It’s different. It’s sort of a game to him. I have no doubts that if he had an actual issue with me, he would have just told me outright to fuck off. I think he finds me just as interesting as I find him. In fact, I’m almost certain of it.”

“So, you’re just going to wear him down?” Ten’s running a hand through his hair. “That’s so sketchy, and frankly, _exhausting_. Why bother with someone who has no interest?”

“Just because it isn’t shown doesn’t mean it isn’t there.”

Ten wrinkles his nose. “Jaehyun…”

Jaehyun lies back against Taeyong’s pillow, staring at the patterns of his own mattress up on the top bunk. “I feel like he’d be a really good fuck.” 

“I’m _sure_ he would,” Ten says, visibly flinching, “But there’s plenty of other possibilities. Ones that are much more realistic.”

“You can calm down there, I’m not going to wait outside his dorm with chloroform and a potato sack. But you wanted to know what was going on and this is it. I want him, and it’s quite a possibility that I’ll have him but it won’t be anytime soon,” Jaehyun replies, taking another drag, letting the smoke waft into the mattress above him. “That’s all.”

Ten sighs. There’s nothing but the sound of Jaehyun’s inhales and the Game of Thrones episode. Ten doesn’t press the topic further - it’s for the best because Jaehyun has nothing more to say either. A part of him wonders exactly why he’s so engrossed in Doyoung, who at surface value was just some socially inept lamppost. Ten has a point that there’s prettier people out there, if that’s all Jaehyun cared about.

But even Jaehyun, who didn’t even know Doyoung’s surname,  knew he was deeper than that. There was some sort of layering to him, there was the condescending Literature student, there was the gawky step-brother, there was the disparaged mentor, there was the controlled semi-sadist  - and yet despite this, Jaehyun still feels like he’s barely scratched the surface of what Doyoung actually is. He wonders if he’ll ever get the opportunity. He wonders what he’d think of who he really is.      

A text notification breaks into Jaehyun’s daydream. It’s not Jaehyun’s phone - he keeps his on vibration, like any self-respecting adult.

Ten unlocks his phone his phone and reads the message. “Are you down to go to the beach next week?”

“The fuck would I do that for? I don’t even like the beach.”

“Well, yeah, but that nice girl from my dance class is organizing it. You’ll like her, Wendy is great!”

“I don’t care about the girl from your dance class?” Jaehyun says, extinguishing the cigarette on the wall next to him, throwing the end on the floor. He’ll remember to pick it up when Ten leaves. He definitely will.

Ten pouts. “Well, I want to go. And I don’t want to just go alone.”

He lets out a groan. Jaehyun would refuse but he can already imagine the kind of emotional blackmail Ten will be willing to play. “Why does it matter so much to you, you’ve never even mentioned a fondness for the seaside in like two years?”

“Some of my other friends are going. I just think it’ll be nice to do something different.”

“What ‘other friends’?” Jaehyun questions with vague interest. Ten was by no means unpopular, but rather of that particular kind of person that only seemed to have two friends, three at most.

Sort of like Jaehyun, actually.

Ten hesitates. “Johnny.”

Well, if Johnny’s there, there’s that slight, ever so slight possibility Doyoung might be there. He doubts it. But the possibility is worth considering.

And despite everything, Jaehyun does sort of want to keep Ten around, if just to save himself from the inconvenience of making new friends. So he nods. “Fine. Whatever. I’m driving.”

*

**Wendy**

Hey, it was really good seeing you today! Let me know when you're around if you wanna do something else sometime :)

**Me**

Yeah I had a good time too, so I'd be up for that. The mall off campus is showing Fast and Furious atm if you wanted to go tomorrow, would be fun!

 

* * *

 

**JUNIOR**

* * *

 

 

**Ten**

I’m going out for drinks tonight with my dance class. Wanna come with? They’re cool people.

**Me**

Thanks but i’ll pass

 

**Taeyong**

I’ll be home late tonight, me and some friends are going to a karaoke bar. Keen to join us?

**Me**

Thanks but i’ll pass

 

**Unknown**

Hey it’s Sicheng from Accounting, got your number off the class groupchat, was wondering if you wanted to come over and study for the test on friday? We could smoke some joints if you want.

**Me**

 

 

No one told Jaehyun was that third year would be quite so _boring_. The sparkling unfamiliarity of first year had disappeared like cigarette smoke  and the newfound freedom of second year had become second nature. It’s too far away from the finality of senior year to even be considered ‘almost done’. The days passed by in roughly the same manner as the day before, just the same procedures until Jaehyun’s junior year was turning into a routine tunneled so deep in his life it could pass as a trench.

The boredom settled right on top of his skin, and picking it off was what it was like after spending a weekend at the beach: difficult and painful. It was that more than anything else which prompted Jaehyun’s desire stay at home - it _wasn’t_ because he was heartbroken, despite what anyone would say. It just seemed difficult to find any sort of point in going outside when he could have as much fun sitting in his top bunk, catching up on sleep, ignoring his roommate’s own sexual conquests beneath him. Good on Taeyong for managing to schedule blowjobs in between lab reports.

Ten makes an effort in trying to coax Jaehyun out of his dorm and into bars and clubs, but the few times he agreed, he always left early and disappointed with no events of note to colour the memory of the evening. Exhaustion dripped off of Jaehyun, and it was the kind that couldn’t be cured by caffeine from the university coffee shop. He carried it around with him at first, but then it just seemed to stay, moving in with him like an unwelcome guest. Jaehyun didn’t try to get it to leave.

 

**Taeyong**

I’m going out with Mark today :D He hasn’t seen you in ages, want to join us for lunch?

**Me**

Man I would but I’ve got a test lunch period. Next time.

 

That was one of the few times it wasn’t a lie. He does sort of want to see Mark, if just because it’s been a month or two since he’s last hung out with him and he misses the ego boost he always gets from spending time with him.

The thing that changes about third year more than anything else is the introduction of Mark, which is a surprisingly impressive feat considering Jaehyun would never publicly admit being his friend. But Mark does come with his advantages.

Their room was loud with the sounds of Taeyong’s sobbing when Mark got his acceptance letter and for a dangerous moment, it seemed like Jaehyun was about to lose out on his roommate. But the thing was, despite how eager Taeyong was to share with his dear cousin, it appeared Mark already made his housing decision - and that was to room with his mentor.

Jaehyun’s lips curved into a smirk when Taeyong told him this at the university coffee shop, because even though at the time he was happily committed to Wendy and wasn’t even remotely interested in that condescending Literature student anymore, old habits die hard.

“Aren’t you glad I’m not leaving you for Mark?” Taeyong had joked, nudging Jaehyun in the ribs.

“I feel like Mark is just glad he doesn’t have to deal with you. You should be happy at this too, you know. Can you think of any boner killer bigger than having your cousin walk in on your fun?”

That shut Taeyong up.

 

Mark’s impact was a subtle addition to the ecosystem Jaehyun had formed at university, very subtle. Doyoung and Jaehyun had still not directly spoken to each other since they toured the university - but Jaehyun was now in the position of receiving information about Doyoung through Mark, and it seemed sensible to assume that the precocious kid was boring his own roommate with tales of Jaehyun as well.

This new stream of information was quite interesting - and ‘interesting’ appeared to be a word working its way into Jaehyun’s daily vernacular. It was interesting to hear that Doyoung apparently despised T. S. Eliot's work with such a personal vitriol that the moment after he handed in his term paper, he burnt his copy of The Wasteland in the dorm’s bathroom. It was interesting to learn that Doyoung loved to lie in on weekends and often Mark left for breakfast and would come back to see him still under the covers. It was _very_ interesting to learn that Doyoung had a romantic entanglement with a political science senior with dark eyes and a husky voice, that left Mark scarred for the rest of the day, sitting at the foot of Taeyong’s bed, shuddering while recounting the exact manner in which he discovered the two.

If the Doyoung that Jaehyun knew was the barest hint of a sketch, just pencil marks on a blank canvas, it seems that gradually, gradually colours began to emerge  - and it was not the palette that Jaehyun would have thought, not at all.

Jaehyun filed all this information away for a reason he himself wasn’t entirely sure. Over the past year, he sort of got over this whole crusade to get with Doyoung. It was some sort of childish obsession that makes no sense in retrospect, and time and distance just allowed Doyoung to drift further from Jaehyun’s mind. And anyway, what did he expect would happen? He’d fuck the guy and then feel accomplishment for about fifteen seconds before he got bored and decided to find a new hobby? Hardly worth the effort.

But Jaehyun couldn’t deny that he did find these little morsels of information that Mark dropped throughout the year enticing. If Ten knew, he’d say that this was evidence that despite Jaehyun’s insistence otherwise, he did sort of care about Doyoung.

But Ten _didn’t_ know. Taeyong didn’t know and Mark didn’t know either. And no one really noticed that particular glint that entered Jaehyun’s eyes when Mark brought up his roommate.

*

**Ten**

Hey do you want to go out tonight?

**Me**

It’s like a Wednesday? Why? Is there some event?

**Ten**

Uh. No reason.

**Me**

?

 

It takes Jaehyun all of two minutes and thirteen seconds to figure out that it’s his and Wendy’s anniversary. Would have been their fifth month. That’s almost half a year. How kind of Ten to remember, what a wonderful friend he is.

 

**Me**

I’m fine, you know. You need to… stop.

**Ten**

-_- 

 

Breaking up was quite possibly the worst experience Jaehyun ever had in his life. He didn’t miss Wendy, the bitch could choke for all he cared - and he didn’t care no matter what anyone else said - but the awkward conversation he had to have with every single person, the changing of his relationship status on Facebook, the realization he had to unconfirm his plus one to events was... physically painful.

And his _friends_ and their poorly placed _concern_ was nightmarish.

“Are you okay?” Taeyong would ask him on some nights when the lights were already turned off, and there were literally no means of escape from his interrogation.

“I’m fine, Taeyong, I keep telling you I am. It wasn’t a big deal.”

Objectively it was a big deal. It was four months which perhaps was short by the standards of his peers, but was the longest relationship Jaehyun had ever been in by about three months and three weeks. He didn’t care, he really didn’t but -

He did sort of.

It wasn’t sadness that he had, just emptiness, that sort of gaping hole somewhere that he couldn’t quite fill, the one he kind of always had but just kept ignoring. Wendy was a sustained distraction, if nothing else, and her departure just made Jaehyun abundantly aware of how empty his life was, how much he detested school and everyone in it. And old habits start to resurface but it doesn’t change that the world is tinged black.

He’s deleting pictures of her on his instagram when he sees an old one that Ten took at some event months ago, it’s of Jaehyun on the rooftop with a cigarette in his mouth, blowing grey smoke into the night sky. He quit ages ago, around the time he started dating her, and while his cardio has greatly improved since, he stares at the picture, almost transfixed. The sky looks so dark it’s almost blue in the picture.

*

“When did you realize you were into guys?”

Ten says it so casually, with such rehearsed nonchalance that it’s obvious he’s tried to bring up this topic for the entire night. Jaehyun pulls out a partially crushed cigarette from his back pocket, predicting that this conversation was going to be a long one. He holds out his other hand and Ten drops his lighter in it, his hand quaking ever so slightly.

“Just sort of did. Looked at a guy and was like, yeah, could do that. Watched some porn and was like, yeah, that’s kinda hot. Nothing very dramatic. Why do you ask?”

“I was just wondering,” Ten says quickly, and then seems to realize his own hurried dismissal may have been overkill. No one just ‘wonders’, and Jaehyun has known Ten for three years. He’s not necessarily _surprised_ that this topic came up. It was going to happen eventually, and it seemed sooner rather than later judging by the slight inclinations Jaehyun had picked up.

“You know, I don’t recall even seeing you with a girl in two years,” Jaehyun says, flicking his lighter on, the harsh flame illuminating his face. “And since then, you _did_ get the gay ear pierced.”

The joke has the desired effect and some of the tension in Ten’s shoulders dissipate. “I got _both_ my ears pierced.”

“And at least one of them is the gay one, so you’ve just confirmed that you’re double gay, pretty much.” 

Ten laughs, and when the sound dies down, he just stares out at the lawn of their dorm, not spoiling the silence any further. It’s that time of the year where it’s too hot to be inside, where stale air runs in circles in dorm rooms and the only way to escape it is to just get out. In the distance, Jaehyun can just about see the spots of blurry lights of Erebus in the peripherals of his vision. He briefly wonders if Doyoung is already sleeping, or if he’s having one of his late nights that Mark complains about. (“He keeps the light on till it’s like 4am, it’s so frustrating.”)

“I don’t really care, you know?” Jaehyun says. 

“About what?”

It wasn’t a question that needed an answer.

Another pause and then Ten says: “Thanks.”

The lawn is patchy in areas. Estate keeping hasn’t been here for ages, not bothering with the shittest residence block on the university. Jaehyun flicks the butt of his cigarette into a patch on the ground, watching the embers dissolve into the soil.

The sight revitalizes Ten. “I’m not saying that… that’s it’s like that, like, it was just a question, it doesn’t mean-” Jaehyun cuts him off with a small nod.

“I get it. Don’t worry.”

A car drives past, and the glare of its headlights causes Jaehyun to shield his eyes. “Who’s even driving out this late?” he says, as a kind of distraction to the person next to him. Ten’s thoughts are so loud they’re banging on the walls of Jaehyun’s mind.

“No clue,” Ten answers, his voice slightly shaky.

Jaehyun doesn’t think it has to with the passing car. He lowers his voice to a gentle timbre, as if addressing a frightened bird. “Is there someone in particular?”

Ten’s gaze is fixed on a particular spot with such concentration, it’s like he expects the earth to cave out from underneath. “Not at all.” It takes two separate gulps of air before those words force their way out of him. 

“If there ever is, I’d like to meet him.”

Ten’s gaze lifts to stare at Jaehyun, Jaehyun who refused almost every invitation to meet any of Ten’s dance classmates, who cracked jokes about Ten’s small friendship circle at least once a month, who’d never willingly choose to meet any of them and he just stares. 

“Yeah?”

“I would.”

It’s gotten so late it’s started being early  and Jaehyun has a lecture first period. He’s not about to spend any more time prying out the finer details of Ten’s paramour out of him - and Ten doesn’t seem like he’s ready to say such things either.

“I’m… I’m glad to hear that,” Ten says.

Silence settles like the dew on the grass, and Jaehyun wonders how long Ten was preparing himself for this conversation. The morning breeze hits, and goosebumps raise over his bare flesh. Ten seems impassive, fiddling with the piercing in his ear.

 “Well, I hope he’s taller than you,” Jaehyun says, abruptly standing up and giving back the lighter. Ten holds it tightly, his fingertips delicately brushing against Jaehyun’s. “See you tomorrow?”

Ten looks at Jaehyun now and a soft smile blooms across his face. “Yeah. Yeah, definitely.”

*

“I don’t really miss _her_. But something’s missing.”

There’s a change, a subtle one, in their relationship and Jaehyun thinks that despite himself, Ten is genuinely his friend. That even if Jaehyun’s sweater of thorns was dullened to blunt edges, Ten still managed to get underneath it. It’s surprising to Jaehyun that he actually enjoys a level of platonic intimacy to a level he had never previously experienced.

If there is one thing Jaehyun is grateful for with this friendship, it’s that Ten didn’t raise his eyebrows in distaste at the resurgence of his smoking habit - he just did what he always did: coughed, complained but always handed over the lighter when prompted. And that’s all Jaehyun wants, just some something _normal_.

So, he’s back to smoking now, and his lungs hate him for it. But it fills the time, makes it seem less like each moment is time that he could be unconscious or dead. What also fills the time is his old habits of conquests. It’s trivial fun, every single person he sets his bored, distant glance upon ends up saying yes to him, sooner or later, and Jaehyun feels terribly unchallenged, but at least it’s better than jacking off in the university showers.

He finds himself reminded of the only challenge he’s really had since he got here. It’s sort of funny that the only person to reject him was literal years ago, as a bright-eyed freshman - and even though Jaehyun’s already given up any and all ideas of pursuing him, he’s still the only person who holds even a glimmer of interest to him, the only glimmer in general.

Maybe it’s that memory that prompts Jaehyun to tell Ten what goes through his head, or maybe it’s because he just couldn't carry it around with him anymore. He doesn’t know. And Ten says fleeting words of comfort which don’t mean much, but the sentiment is nice enough. He just… he just had to tell someone, had to let them know that there was something missing internally and he hadn’t realized it until it had been pointed out. Jaehyun doesn’t expect that this will be the last of this conversation.

* 

It’s why he isn’t surprised when Ten shows up at his door, less than a week later, another new piercing adorning his ear, and seems to be smiling.

“What’s up?” Jaehyun asks, cautiously opening the door, as if concerned something might attack him.

Ten replies with: “Johnny’s throwing a party.”

“Oh?” Jaehyun says. “I thought he had given up that part of his lifestyle. He hasn’t thrown a party in months…  wasn’t he supposed to graduate like three years ago?”

Ten flushes as if he’s personally offended. “He’s taking his time. It’s a complex situation. He’s got family troubles.”

“I’m certain he’ll find the solutions to those problems by throwing increasingly raging parties,” Jaehyun replies, opening the box of cigarettes resting on the table next to the door. The box is empty and he gestures pointedly to Ten who sighs as he opens his bag and pulls out a new one, handing it to Jaehyun. He could buy his own cigarettes, he supposes, but then when else would he get a chance to have these fun chats with Ten?

“Didn’t you say you were going to try quitting again? Or at least buy your _own_?”

“I’ll get to it.”

“You owe me like over a hundred bucks.”

Jaehyun ignores him. His bed is filled with textbooks and course readers for an upcoming Accounting final and he dumps it all on the floor as he climbs up to his bunk. “Aren’t you literally bored of partying? God knows I am, if I see another keg I'm going to impale myself on it.”

“This one's special, Jaehyun. It's the first one Johnny's hosting all year and it's his _birthday_. We can't miss that.”

“I feel like you're doing that thing where you overestimate the value of someone in my life. Johnny is great, he's fun but I don't actually have any sort of affection towards the knowledge it's his birthday.”

Ten is hesitant in what he says next. “It's an important night for me too. I'm, uh... something is happening. That is… big. And I'd appreciate you showing up, even at a distance, just to know you're there.”

Ten doesn’t press the topic any further and the conversation moves on - but it lingers in the room, and even when he leaves, it stays.

 

**Ten**

So, are you going to Johnny’s party

**Me**

This really matters to you doesn’t it

**Ten**

It does.

Come on. Please

**Me**

I’ll see if I can manage to swing by.

 

He already asked Taeyong if he’d go, leaning down and looking at the bunk underneath him, but he expectedly refuses, saying he’s got an assignment to do even though he’s got an episode of Boku No Academia  tabbed.

So, Jaehyun gets up and he runs a hand through his hair and pauses in front of the mirror to assess his outfit and decides he doesn’t care anyway, and besides, it’s not like parties are renowned for their lighting.

“Do you think you’ll be back too late?” Taeyong calls.

“Nah. Probably before midnight.”

“Cool, don’t bring anyone home, I’ve got bacterial cultures  growing in the sink and I don’t want them messing with it.”

Jaehyun attempted to repress the urge to bring someone home with the express instruction of messing with Taeyong’s weird microbiology assignment just to annoy him.

*

The thing was the old Jaehyun, the Jaehyun of first year would have loved to be invited to Johnny’s party.  Back then, Johnny was that one senior that never seemed to graduate, and the same could be said for now. His parties were still as close to legendary as they were when he first heard of them in the confines of his tiny dorms, and when Jaehyun steps into his room, he remembers the first time he walked into a party with that sort of fond nostalgia he’d imagine he’d use to think about the day he finally graduates this shithole. The first party Jaehyun went to that was hosted by Johnny was underwhelming - this one was decidedly different, the place already packed before it was even nine.

No matter how nostalgic he felt, Jaehyun wasn’t the old Jaehyun. Jaehyun was _bored_ and parties were _boring_. It was just rehearsed steps really, no better than any choreography: a drink here, a drag there, a drunken makeout in the bathroom and at some point someone throws up and Jaehyun ends up home alone more often than he doesn’t. And the prospect of repeating the _same_ thing again - well, it’s horrifying, to say the least.

He shouldn’t be too _surprised_ when Ten all but drops him at the door and disappears into the crowds of people, leaving Jaehyun on the nearest couch. He clearly came with very particular intentions - and even Jaehyun had to admit he looked _good_ , having put obvious effort into tonight with his gelled hair and tight-fitting tank top.  Conversely, Jaehyun hadn’t even bothered to shower . He had attempted to tease him about it but abruptly stopped when Ten hissed to him: “None of your fucking business. Just go stand in the corner and drink your lukewarm cider with that scowl on your face.”

It was a very precise assessment of Jaehyun’s current party habits and he wasn’t happy with the degree of accuracy and let Ten be. That did have the unfortunate effect of leaving Jaehyun alone, and having not been in the party circuit for several months, quite unfamiliar with the general crowd at Johnny’s party.

He’s not _actually_ alone, of course, there’s someone right next to him, blowing plumes of smoke in his face, and Jaehyun doesn’t care enough about his own health to protest. It would be hypocritical to complain, if nothing else. He catches sight of Taeil from first year Anthropology flirting with one of the fashion design girls and it’s so hideously awkward, Jaehyun has to turn away before he vomits up the honey and mustard pretzels he had for lunch.

It’s boring. It’s really, really fucking boring and Jaehyun opens his phone and scrolls through Instagram. He then sees a picture from one of the girls in his class and Wendy’s in it, and he nearly snaps his phone in half with the force he switches it off.

It’s become abundantly clear he’s far too sober for this and Jaehyun finds himself unimpressed by the selection of beers on the prop-up table and navigates his way to the kitchen.

He’s halfway through pouring his preferred combination of vodka and coke when he hears a persistent cough behind him, and Jaehyun turns around, wondering if it was someone criticizing his drink preference _again_ when-

“Hello there,” Doyoung says. “You have terrible taste in drinks. Who the fuck drinks coke and vodka? It tastes like cat piss.”

“Hi Doyoung, glad to see you’re still around and giving unsolicited criticism,” Jaehyun smiles. He’s standing in the doorway, half in, half out, as if he hasn’t quite decided if he’s ready to make the commitment to walk into the room. 

“I didn’t think I’d see you tonight.” His tone is neutral. “You haven’t been here for a while.”

Jaehyun almost replied that he didn’t expect to see Doyoung here either - and then realized the absurdity of his statement. This was his brother after all - Jaehyun automatically added the ‘step’ before the thought even finished - and it was his birthday. Why _wouldn’t_ Doyoung be here?

“Yeah, I’ve been kind of out of it.” Jaehyun doesn’t elaborate further. “How old is the birthday boy turning?”

“Either twelve or reaching a hundred, he acts like both.”

There’s not enough humour in his statement for it to be a joke. Doyoung makes the commitment to walk into the kitchen and deposits himself on the bar stool, grabbing cider, that usual brand with the blue bottle, from the table and settles in like he’s expecting some sort of conversation. “How have you been?” Doyoung asks. The cap is still on and he tilts it towards Jaehyun, an unspoken request.

It’s an automatic reflex for Jaehyun to take it, slamming the bottle’s neck against the edge of the counter till it pops off. He hands it back to Doyoung, shaking off the excess foam which bubbles up. The cap falls to the floor and neither bothers to pick it up.

“I’ve been alright I suppose,” Jaehyun answers, not mentioning he’s gone up to half a box of cigarettes a day. “And you?”

“Horrible, I want to dig a hole outside my dorm room and leap off the roof straight into it,” Doyoung says, gulping his cider with uncommon animation. “It’s fine though, even if I fall to my untimely doom at least I made it to junior year. Half of the people I started out with already abandoned ship around sophomore.”

“You seem… chatty,” Jaehyun says. It takes him a while before he settles on a suitable word, and even then it doesn’t feel right.

“Predrinks,” is the simple answer that Doyoung gives.

“I didn’t know you were the kind of person who normally partakes in predrinks.”

“Don’t be such a downer. I’m here for conversation, not a lecture.”

Ah. So ‘chatty’ was a good descriptor for Doyoung’s current demeanour. But Jaehyun, who’d normally be thrilled at the idea of chipping away at the coat of bitchiness Doyoung wears like it’s New York Fashion Week everyday of the year, is just kind of tired. He’s not really in the _mood_ to talk to him, because a conversation with Doyoung is always a thousand times more complicated than it needs to be. It’s that game of verbal chess that Jaehyun usually loves, but right now he’s more in the headspace for checkers.

Jaehyun’s eyebrow raises, and he sips his vodka. “Alright, fine, we can chat. How’s rooming with Mark?”

“Oh, good old Mark,” Doyoung says, his voice taking on a nostalgic quality as if he’s recounting some distant friend. “He’s endearing if nothing else. It’s nice living with him.” He twirls the bottle in his hands. “He talks about you a lot.”

“I suspected as much. He’s fond of me,” Jaehyun says with no attempt to disguise the truth of the fact.

“At least someone is,” Doyoung says, but it’s hardly got any of the usual viritol behind it. “How did that accounting exam go by the way? Mark mentioned you seemed genuinely stressed about it, you didn’t even go to lunch with him.”

A strange feeling uncoils in Jaehyun’s chest at the knowledge that Doyoung bothered to remember a seemingly useless detail from Mark’s retellings. “It went okay. I didn’t get my results back yet, but I’m sure I passed.”

“I hope you aren’t proven wrong.” It’s a compliment in Doyoung’s peculiar way.

The vodka burns down his throat when he chugs half the glass in one gulp, but the residual haze he feels afterwards makes up for it. “He talks a lot about you as well. Mark, that is.”

“He does?” Why does there have to be genuine joy on his face? His condescending smirks were easy to deal with, it was these smiles that appeared by actual happiness that perplexed Jaehyun.

“Yeah. Quite often. I heard…” he trails off.

“Go on,” Doyoung prompts, looking at Jaehyun intently.

“You’re not a fan of T. S. Eliot?”

Doyoung’s nose crinkles in laughter. “Absolutely hate the guy and his stupid poetry. I’m not surprised Mark told you that. The fire alarm went off in the bathroom after I tried burning the works I was forced to buy. It was stupid, really _really_ stupid, but it made me feel better for that brief period between the pages igniting and the sprinklers opening.”

Taeil walks into the kitchen to grab a bottle from the counter, nodding in greeting to the two, and leaves again and the intrusion seems to break some of the strange enchantment that’s on the kitchen in Johnny’s dorm, that’s the only reason why talking to Doyoung now feels buoyant, like floating in the ocean without a lifejacket - carefree but with some hint of danger that Jaehyun can’t quite shake.

“Did you come with anyone?” Jaehyun asks.

Doyoung carefully runs his finger around the rim of his bottle. “Not technically. But I suppose I’m with you now, aren’t I?”

“That’s quite the step forward.”

“If you’d rather talk to someone else, you could leave.” Doyoung crosses his legs, adjusting his shirt with slender fingers. “But I’m not moving.”

He doesn’t. Jaehyun realizes why he feels off, why he feels misplaced, like a circular block placed in the square hole. Something’s changed in the nature of their interactions - the power dynamics shifted, Jaehyun’s lost control, he’s become the object of pursuit rather than the active puruser.

“It’s fine. I didn’t come here with anyone either.” Besides Ten. But he didn’t really count. Jaehyun didn’t really want to think about what he was getting up to.

“I really am surprised to see you here, you know. It’s been a while since he’s had a party, but it’s been even longer since you’ve showed up to one.”

Jaehyun would mock him if he wasn’t genuinely surprised. “Were you waiting for me to show up?”

 “No. But your absence was noted.” 

His hands curl around his glass. Through the doorway, he can see Taeil attempt to unsuccessfully woo the fashion design girl again. It’s pathetic, but sort of transfixing to watch.

“Black hair?” Doyoung says, pointing to Jaehyun’s fringe.

“Yes, I’m going through a phase,” Jaehyun replies, running his hands through the raven streaks.

“Well, don’t give up yet, there’s so much to live for. People care about you. Not me, but I’m sure someone does,” Doyoung says, obscuring his laughter by sipping his cider. And that’s a bit more like the old Doyoung, and Jaehyun exhales.

The clock on the microwave says it’s 11:45 and he told Taeyong he’d be home by midnight, and he should give himself time to walk home as well. He downs the rest of his drink.

“Leaving?”

“It was good seeing you.”

“ _Why_ are you leaving?”

Jaehyun is floored by the question, blinking. “I don’t really have much left to do here.” He could speak to Doyoung for the rest of the hour, for the rest of the evening even, but what would be the point? After tonight he probably wouldn’t see him for the rest of the year. And Jaehyun was tired, he was just tired.

Doyoung’s eyes fix on a point on the counter, and perhaps it’s the cider, but there’s a pink tinge in his cheeks. “Aren’t you going to ask me out like you always do?”

Jaehyun laughs a little. “I think I’m past that now. I’ll stop hunting you down. You can live in peace without worrying when I’ll show up.”

His lips puff out in disappointment. “What changed?”

“Nothing changed,” Jaehyun says, and it’s the second most familiar phrase he’s been saying lately, coming before “I’m fine”. The words taste sour.

“You’ve got no reason to lie to me,” Doyoung says. “There’s nothing for you to gain.”

“I’m not lying.”

“Just tell me, Jaehyun.”

It’s his eyes. They’re so big and dark - and _piercing_. Jaehyun’s voice is soft. “I’m just trying to be less like myself.”

He expected some kind of reaction, _anything_ , but he continues staring at him from across the counter, waiting for an explanation. “I went through a break-up.”

“So have I. That’s hardly a reason.”

“This person that I valued just told me to my face that as a human being I am fundamentally hollow, and... I wouldn’t like to hear that again.” The words are already laid bare in the room, open and gutted, when he realizes it’s the first time he’s spoken the words that Wendy threw at him during their final fight aloud. He already wants to pick them up and shove it deep in his chest, because there it doesn’t seem real. 

Doyoung is quiet. And then, in a loud voice: “That’s just inaccurate. You clearly have _something_. Bones. Blood. Copious amounts of muscles from the way Mark exaggerates your feats of athleticism.”

Jaehyun snorts. “Yes, I suppose from a literal point of view it is inaccurate.”

“I don’t think you’re empty, Jaehyun,” says carefully, passing the bottle from hand to hand, the glass hitting the counter with faint repetitions, “I think that the world is inherently pointless and while everyone can fill that void with material possessions and passing emotions, I think you and I are one of the few people who can’t do that. We don’t absorb, we reflect. I don’t think you’re empty. I think everything is empty, and everyone else just doesn’t realize it.”

In the next room, a glass breaks and there’s shouts followed by laughter. Jaehyun’s breath comes out in unsteady bursts.

“Ask me again,” Doyoung says.

“Do you want to go out with me?”  

“No,” Doyoung says, a sudden laugh erupts from him, so out of place in the quiet kitchen. “No, Jaehyun I don't think we should go out I…”

“You…?”

“I think we should stay in.”

Jaehyun’s hands grip the table so  hard, his knuckles are white. “That doesn’t sound like you at all.”

Doyoung finishes off his drink, throwing the bottle into the sink where the glass cracks. “Jaehyun, I am sad. I am so inexorably sad, I feel it pulsing through my bloodstream and I’m drunk enough to be able to tell you this, but not drunk enough to stop feeling it. I don’t want to go home alone tonight .”

Doyoung crosses his arms, waiting for a response.

“I am not someone who is easily surprised, but you manage to constantly do so,” Jaehyun replies. “What possibly led you to thinking this is a good idea?”

“I don’t particularly care about good ideas. It doesn’t have to mean anything. I’d prefer if it doesn’t.” He runs a hand up the side of his neck, scratching some unknown itch, exposing the length of his throat. It’s enticing, incredibly so. He’s planted the idea in Jaehyun’s head, and now he wonders what the skin would taste like if he licked strips up and down it.

“Won’t Johnny notice your absence?” 

“He won’t and I don’t care if he does. Listen, Jaehyun, I’m not going to beg. I’m sad and you’re empty. Perhaps we can be of use to each other. Let’s keep it impersonal, businesslike even.” 

He’s always had a problem with giving into his vices. Jaehyun recalls when he gave up his fantasy of fucking Doyoung. It would have given him personal satisfaction for fifteen seconds, but after that he’d still be the same person. Jaehyun eyes Doyoung, the way his hands are curled around his forearms, as if already bracing for rejection. The bags under his eyes are darkened, signs of sleepless nights. Despite that, despite everything, he’s still as desirable as he’s always been - 

And Jaehyun rationalizes that even if it’s fifteen seconds, it’ll be a better fifteen seconds than he usually has.

“Yeah,” Jaehyun says. “Yeah, let’s do this.”

 

**Me**

i am willing to give you an exorbitant amount of money if you get mark to sleep in our room tonight.

i see you’re typing and i don’t have time to answer your questions so as a guess as to what that might be: yes im being serious. get out.

**Taeyong**

????????????????????

**Me**

talk to you tomorrow

 

Jaehyun slides his phone into his back pocket. “Sorry, what did you say?”

Doyoung lifts his head up from his own phone after a minute. “Oh, ignore what I said previously, I guess my room is free after all.”

Jaehyun pretends to be surprised.

*

“So, did you get Johnny anything for his birthday?” Jaehyun asks.

They’re walking back in the direction of Doyoung’s dorm, both bracing themselves against the cool wind that blows against them. Jaehyun’s hands are curled around lint in his pockets, rubbing it between his fingertips.

Doyoung shoots him a look so distasteful grass withers. “I’m trying to get fucked, do not bring up my fucking brother, _god_.”

“I was just trying to make conversation,” Jaehyun grumbles, breath hitching infinitesimally at Doyoung’s word choice.

“Well, _don’t_. We’re almost there. Just hum to yourself if you’re bored or whatever. It’s a five minute walk, I’m certain you’ll survive.”  

The silence creeps in and Jaehyun wonders if this is a terrible idea, and then immediately chastises himself, because he’s not the kind of person to have reservations like this. Doyoung is _clearly_ willing and eager, and Jaehyun has literally been waiting for this moment for three years - why would he wait a moment longer? He follows Doyoung inside and up the stairs, unable to keep his own inquisitive nature from speculating what his living arrangements would be like.

Doyoung opens the door to his room slowly, as if uncertain Mark will appear - but it’s dark and empty and he flips the lightswitch.

It suits him, Jaehyun realizes. He takes a moment to absorb the scenery, the sheer aura of Doyoung which hangs over the place from the color-coded files on the desk, to the Digimon  figurine perched atop a thick poetry anthology. 

“That’s Mark’s side of the room,” Doyoung gestures to the collection of posters on the opposite wall. They’re all bands Jaehyun’s heard of but deliberately avoids.

“I can’t believe you get separate beds _and_ a kitchen. Jesus, this dorm must be double what I pay for mine,” Jaehyun whistles, walking further in.

Doyoung shrugs. “Objectively, it is a downgrade from Nyx. But I like it.”

There’s tension in the room, but not the kind that’s expected or wanted. He turns to see Doyoung standing next to the kettle, a slight frown on his face, as if he just remembered something unpleasant.

“Could I have some coffee?” Jaehyun asks, if just for something to _do_ besides stand awkwardly.

Doyoung crosses his arms. “What? No. You can’t.”  Hospitality professionals everywhere are stunned at his incredible manners and impeccable hosting skills.

“What do you mean ‘I can’t’?” Jaehyun repeats, brows furrowing at the direct refusal. It’s not like Doyoung was the damn coffee police.

“I’m not gonna make you coffee, Jaehyun, I didn’t invite you over to have literary discourse over a rich roast with you, the fuck, no I’m not going to make you anything.” He’s glaring now, those big eyes must certainly be capable of turning weaker men to stone.

“Then, maybe I’ll just make it myself,”  Jaehyun scowls, walking to the kettle and flicking the switch. Doyoung then immediately switches the kettle off. It’s so horribly _petty_ but god, it’s better than standing around awkwardly.

“You’re not having coffee,” Doyoung says, eyes narrowing. Jaehyun slowly and deliberately stretches out his hand to the switch of the kettle, flicking it. He’s highly aware of the proximity to Doyoung that he now occupies, suddenly feeling almost dwarfed in the way he leans over, all slender limbs and sharp angles.

“Are you going to stop me?” Jaehyun says carefully, blinking with slow precision.

“I should just kick you out truthfully, I think I’d forgotten how unbelievably annoying you are.”

“Then go ahead.” His breath fans over Doyoung’s neck.

“Maybe I will,” Doyoung says and then contradicts himself in the way he leans forward, pausing to dig his fingers into the fabric of Jaehyun’s shirt and kisses him, harshly. There’s hints of misplaced anger in the way Doyoung attempts to break into Jaehyun’s mouth, harsh but desirable and Jaehyun supplicates, letting his tongue map out the surface of his mouth. He lets Doyoung control the kiss for several second more before he breaks away and readjusts their position, Jaehyun pushing Doyoung against his kitchen cupboards, the cutlery rattling inside at the external intrusion.

Kissing Doyoung is pretty good as far as kissing goes, there’s a hint of inexperience but that’s appealing, it’s _highly_ appealing to Jaehyun that he’s one of the few people that Doyoung kissed. That inexperience is contrasted with the same fervour Doyoung approaches life, all fire, all passion, his kisses as sharp as his words. And it doesn’t quite seem real yet that they’re in _his_ room, he’s kissing _him_ of all people, surely this cannot actually happen, when Jaehyun considered this to be a possibility it didn’t mean he thought it was a _likely_ possibility. But it’s real, it’s clearly real, he can feel the way Doyoung’s digging into his hips and the way his body curves against Jaehyun’s, pliant.

“You taste like cigarette smoke,” Doyoung scowls when they break for air, still close enough to feel the heat that radiates off him.

“Yeah, it’s cause I smoke, what did you expect?” Jaehyun replies, wiping the trail of saliva from his mouth. Doyoung’s eyes darken at that, and Jaehyun finds his glance drop down to his lips, even while Doyoung rebukes his smoking.

“It’s a disgusting habit.”

“Well, I can just go home and have a cigarette _there_ if it’s that bad-” Jaehyun says looking to the door, really hoping Doyoung doesn’t call his bluff because he doesn’t _actually_ want to leave.

Doyoung pulls him back into a kiss. “I’ll just have a mint, or ten. You should consider it too.” He doesn’t end up having ten mints, or even ones, it gets forgotten altogether when they reconnect.

The thing Jaehyun realizes when it’s already too late, when he’s already pushed Doyoung onto his bed and licked stripes down his neck and left periodic bite marks, his hand divesting him of his pants, is that he’s enjoying this too much. More than he should.

Because the arrangement was supposed to be almost businesslike in its detached nature, and there was nothing impersonal about the way Doyoung kept repeating his name in faint exhales and half-moans. There was nothing impersonal about the way Jaehyun savoured the way Doyoung’s fingertips curled into his hair, tangling and tugging at the strands as he strokes up and down.

Jaehyun wonders briefly, briefly, briefly, if he’s perhaps made a mistake. But then Doyoung murmurs about something in his bedroom drawer and his words are hot against the shell of Jaehyun’s ear, and he dispels his worries. Jaehyun isn’t like other people. He doesn’t get attached. This isn’t special. This isn’t different. Doyoung isn’t different and _definitely_ isn’t special.

There’s no reason to take his time, but he does anyway, fingers entering slowly, letting time tick away until he adds another, entirely transfixed at Doyoung’s contortions of pleasure. Because he really is pretty, despite everything else he is - he’s just really sort of fucking pretty. 

He supposes there was no actual reason to press light kisses to his thighs, he just wanted to see if he could - and he could. And he did, then deepening the kisses, and Doyoung never sits up, stopping him, protesting that it’s ‘not how this is supposed to work’. He sort of feels like he could do this for hours, just lock the door and tangle himself up on a bed with Doyoung in any particular position or manner that he wants. It’s too much, truthfully, it’s too hot and too good to just be something so ‘impersonal’. Not when he feels Doyoung so warm around him, it’s downright intoxicating, it’s-

**Taeyong**

You haven’t replied to any one of my twenty-three texts, but I’m feeling positive about number twenty-four. What the fuck is going on?

Jaehyun?

Why’s Mark here?

Jaehyun? Are you okay? I tried texting Ten but he isn’t replying either. Are you all in some weird orgy and didn’t invite me?

Jaehyun?

 

The vibrations seem to come all at once, and from some section of the floor the room seems to explode from the sound. “Can you switch off your _fucking_ phone?” Doyoung hisses, his voice hoarse.

Jaehyun is oddly grateful for the distraction, just to center himself, to not get caught up in the moment, to remind himself who he is and what he’s about. “My hands are slightly preoccupied being inside you, but sure, sure I’ll just get up and go _get_ it shall I?” His words lack the usual vigour but it’s a good enough imitation. 

“Wait-”

Jaehyun pulls his fingers out and Doyoung whines at the loss of contact, and it’s an enjoyable sound. He vaguely looks around the floor and attempts to remember where his phone is, eventually locating it in his jeans. He switches it off, and puts his phone on Doyoung’s bedside table. Doyoung already looks thoroughly fucked, and he’s actually pouting and if at gunpoint, Jaehyun would admit it’s adorable. He briefly kisses him, almost an apology. It’s not though, an apology would imply a level of familiarity they don’t have. That’s the last act of intimacy Jaehyun permits himself, solely focused on what he came here to do, which was to fuck, and nothing more.

So he does. There’s a sense of urgency now, and Jaehyun abandons his previous lethargy. He’s almost entirely divorced himself from the physical nature of thrusting into Doyoung, preoccupied with his own pleasure, almost watching from a distance.

But then Doyoung speaks, so softly, so unlike the loud moans that monopolized his speech until that point.

“Oh, Jaehyun. Right there. Please.”

And that's all he says. Three fractured half-sentences, barely audible, spoken entirely breathless, and it's enough to wreck him entirely. He's a ship being set on fire and even in an ocean he's going to be devoured by the flames he's surrounded himself in. He’s pulled back to reality just in time to watch it disassemble. The entire world fades into indistinct colours, and the only thing that matters is that particular shade of hazel that made its home in Doyoung’s wide eyes .

Jaehyun never gets his breath taken away, not really. When you’ve smoked as long as he has, breath just stops being anything of note, it’s just the flow of clean air in between nicotine, occasionally interspersed with sporadic coughing fits. He’s wholly used to it. But then he sees Doyoung repeatedly murmur his name as he chases his own climax, and Jaehyun realizes that he’s forgotten how to breathe, not sure if he ever could, not sure if he knows how.

But then even in the haze of pleasure, Doyoung pulls him down and kisses him, and air enters his lungs, and he finally remembers what it’s like. He wonders how Doyoung knew.

“Oh, Jaehyun,” Doyoung says, in a dazed tone, lifting a cum-slicked hand and patting it on his chest, stroking lines up and down the expanse of his abdomen. “You’re quite attractive, aren’t you?”

Jaehyun comes, abruptly, unexpectedly, entirely, and doesn’t think he’ll be able to move for the next year. He pulls out, throwing away the condom, and lays still on the bed, not touching Doyoung, but close enough that he can feel the heat radiating off him.

He turns his head to the side, facing Doyoung’s closet. There’s a button-down grey shirt hanging on the handle, and a smile unconsciously grows on Jaehyun’s face.

“Did anyone ever tell you dress like a hot Economics professor?”

“No,” Doyoung says, and he smiles too. “No one ever has.”

 

**Taeyong**

you alive???

**Me**

God, yes I’m alive, chill the fuck out

**Taeyong**

??? where were you??? where are you??? are you coming home soon??

 

Jaehyun could answer the last question easily.

**Me**

On my way now.

 

Doyoung and Mark’s shared bathroom is in pristine condition, and Jaehyun found it amusing that one of them uses peach-scented aftershave . He can’t even predict which one, they both seem unlikely to shave often.

He cleans himself up, not even bothering to try and fix his hair, figuring Taeyong by now has already figured out what he’s doing. Mark would probably catch on as well, even if he doesn’t see Jaehyun, he’d undoubtedly see the constellation of hickeys adorning Doyoung’s neck.

Jaehyun exits the bathroom quietly, and even though it’s still so dark, he can see the movement of Doyoung’s eyelids from open to closed. He’s pretending to be asleep. Jaehyun doesn’t linger. He never does.

 

**Ten**

So I have like twenty messages from Taeyong

And Taeil tells me you left with Doyoung last night

Did something happen?

**Me**

Sort of. Nothing worth mentioning. It was impersonal.

 

* * *

 

**SENIOR**

* * *

 

**Sicheng (Eco Class)**

Hey just wondering how far are you with the first draft of the business plan?

**Me**

Almost done

**Sicheng (Eco Class)**

Uh alright then

 

It wasn’t even a hard assignment, god, Jaehyun didn’t understand why it seemed every member of his class was struggling to make the deadline. He’d only started last month, it wasn’t even like he _tried_ to finish earlier.

Anyway, he knew that the first people to hand in their business plan got it graded first and the quicker it got graded, the quicker Jaehyun would get confirmation he graduates this year and would finally be _free_.

“Do you think we’ll still hang out when you graduate?” Taeyong asks one night, his voice the only sound in the room. He’s still got another year. Jaehyun wonders if he found a new roommate yet. Perhaps he’ll move in with Mark - Doyoung’s also due to graduate this year. Probably. Theoretically. Jaehyun doesn’t know for sure.

“Yeah. I think so.”

Jaehyun won’t block his number anyway, that’s as close to a friendship commitment as he can promise at this stage.

It’s only a year left. Everything comes to an end and finally, finally, Jaehyun can _leave_. He won’t have to be a grown man who still sleeps in a bunk bed. Just the idea is intoxicating. Graduating students had forewarned him about the increase in workload in senior year, but all of that was fine, it was just for a _year_ , and then he’d never have to bother with anything or anyone again.

Ten’s wholly preoccupied with his new boyfriend and it leaves Jaehyun with a lot of open free time. Jaehyun wasn’t sure when he became so dedicated to his studies - perhaps it was just due to how simple it was to distract himself in them. It’s not even like he has cigarettes to occupy his thoughts anymore. It’s just him, alone. And he’s not really a fan of that guy.

*

“Remember when we came here first year?” Ten says, stretching his arms out. He’s dangerously close to the edge of the rooftop and Jaehyun would rather prefer if he falls to his death it be by his own intention rather than accident. “It was after Hansol’s birthday party, he told us that the roof was never locked.”

“Yeah, we took a picture, didn’t we?” Jaehyun replies, looking up at the sky. It’s different from then, of course. That picture was taken in first year, Ten was stoned out of his mind, Jaehyun’s hair was blond, and he was also on his third cigarette of the hour whilst still vehemently denying he had a smoking habit at all.

And, of course, it was night then.

It’s broad daylight right now, the sun almost fucking blinding Jaehyun but Ten was the one who insisted upon using the service elevator to get to the top of the Law Building. And Jaehyun wasn’t going to decline the invitation.

“I’m thinking I’ll take Johnny up here next month,” Ten says, face tinting the slightest shade of red. “Six month anniversary and all that.”

“Ah, so you had an ulterior motive for inviting me, you were just preplanning your date,” Jaehyun replies, setting his face in mock-outrage.

Ten makes no attempt in apologizing. “Yeah, pretty much. If the service elevator collapsed midway, I’d rather it be with you than while I’m busy planning an evening of romance.”

His face has so much genuine joy that Jaehyun can’t even attempt to make some sort of snarky comment. It’s jarring how different Ten’s become, so much smoother around the edges, so much _happier_.

“He’s a good guy. I’m glad he makes you happy.” Jaehyun surprises himself with his own sincerity.

“Yeah. Yeah he does.”

It’s gotten to a point where the silence that settles between them is comforting rather than constricting and Jaehyun basks in it, content to have a break from explanations and questions.

And then, of course, Ten has to ruin it by opening his mouth. “Have you spoken to Doyoung recently?”

“Yeah, we text each other nightly about our dreams, what the fuck do you think?” Jaehyun thinks that upon reflection he could have sounded quite less antagonized. “I’ve had no need to speak to him and he’s had no need to speak to me. I haven’t even seen him around.”

“Alright, alright, dial it back there, it was a question,” Ten says, holding his hands up in defeat. “You haven’t spoken about him in a while.”

“I’ve got nothing more to say to him or about him. He’s entirely out of my life and I’m out of his.”

The Law Building is five floors high, nothing that fascinating by far, not even the tallest _in_ the Law faculty, but it’s in the center of the campus, it’s got a view of the world around it and when Jaehyun’s on top of it, looking over the edge, it’s hard not to feel quite so small.

“We’ll be gone from here in a few months, you know? I was just thinking about that when I was having my fruit loops this morning. Have you thought about what you’re doing next year?”

“I haven’t,” Jaehyun says. “Half my class already has internships lined up and I should have tried to get one I just didn’t even think about it.” His hands grip the railing. “I don’t know.”

“Would you study further?”

 “I don’t have a reason to.” He shrugs. “I don’t have a reason _not_ to either.”

“Yeah, you should probably think about that,” Ten says, his laughter louder than usual out on the rooftop. “It’ll be fine, you’ve got half a year to get your life together.”

“I don’t want to be here anymore. Anywhere else has to be better, right? But... here’s all I know.”

Jaehyun’s memories of life before university are unfocused, like they’ve been muddied after a storm. He can barely recall high school and anything before that doesn’t even seem real. It’s as if these past few years were all he was - and perhaps that would be accurate to say.

“It’s weird to think that this time next year we won’t be doing this,” Ten says, his voice softer. “We won’t be here anymore.”

Jaehyun still wants to leave. He still wants to leave this shithole at the first available opportunity and never look back - but that singular sentence from Ten did leave him with a fraction of nostalgia that finds it way to his heart and doesn’t seem keen on leaving.

 “I have something to say to you,” Ten says, eyes fixed on the sky.

“Then say it,” Jaehyun says, turning around to face him.

“Jaehyun, you’re very patient. I’ve known you for a long time now, and you’re quite possibly the most patient person I’ve ever met.”

“Oh, don’t stop the compliments there,” Jaehyun says, grinning.

Ten’s gaze meets Jaehyun’s. “But I feel like sometimes you need to stop waiting. You might benefit from _doing_ something, rather than sitting around for things to come to you. Before it’s too late.”

“Try using a metaphor next time, it’ll sound less obvious,” Jaehyun says humourlessly.

“I mean it, Jaehyun. Time passes you by quicker than you realize. I just don’t want you to realize what you want when it’s too late.”

Jaehyun looks back over the railing. “I think Johnny will like the view.”

He can hear the smile in Ten’s voice. “Yeah. I think he will too.”

*

**Unknown**

Hey there, it’s Doyoung. I got your number from Mark. I was wondering if we could meet up? I need some help with something.

**Me**

Uh. Okay. Sure. When?

**Unknown**

Are you free at like 3? In front of the Administration Building?

**Me**

Yeah. See you then.

 

Jaehyun waits outside the Administration Building as per Doyoung’s instructions and can’t think of a more inexplicable place to meet. There’s not much foot traffic, not much of anyone - a single lazy security guard slumped over his phone watching some video, and a student negotiating with a teller about fees.

He briefly wonders if he was mistaken and if Doyoung genuinely meant the Administration Building. He checks his phone again to confirm it. He used the exact term - but it’s still the strangest place. His contact is still unsaved.

 He waits at the corner, and that small part of him that never really goes away reminds him now’s a perfect time to smoke - but it’s not like he even has cigarettes on him anyway, and the nearest shop is a five minute walk away, it’s not worth the effort. Doesn’t make him want it any less.

There’s the sound of boots on tarmac and Jaehyun sees Doyoung walk up the steps, his pace faster than usual, and he waits for Doyoung to approach him before acknowledging him.

“Hey there,” Jaehyun says.

Doyoung’s cheeks are flushed red, and it seems as if he’d been running from the way his breath comes out in heavy spurts. “Sorry, I’ve been rushing up and down all afternoon. Hope you weren’t waiting long.”

Jaehyun shrugs. It’s been ten minutes. No point mentioning it. “What’s up?”

The security guard lifts his gaze from his phone to briefly observe the two, and apparently assessing them as not worth his time, he goes back to his video.

Wiping his forehead with the back of his hand, Doyoung says: “I was hoping to talk to you,” he says. “I won’t waste too much of your time. I need a favour.”

Jaehyun had spent a reasonable amount of time wondering what Doyoung could possibly want from him, and then an unreasonable amount of time further wondering why. “What is it?”

“You’ve done Accounting, right?”

Jaehyun stares. He has indeed, he recalls hating every minute of his lecturer’s nasal voice and her constant mispronunciation of the word ‘debit’. “Yeah. Yeah I did. Last year. Why does it matter?”

Doyoung considers his words carefully. “I’m on the yearbook committee. You know, the one in charge of making the yearbook at the end of the academic year.”

“Yes, the name is quite self-explanatory,” Jaehyun replies. “What has that got to do with me?”

“I’ve just come into the organization, joined this week actually, and it’s in total chaos. Most concerning is the noticeable missing chunk of the budget. The committee can barely afford a photographer, let alone a graphic designer or publisher.” Doyoung rubs his thumb over his knuckles, and looks off into the distance, gaze focused on the dome-shaped cafeteria. “The thing that worries me is there’s no evidence as to where this money disappeared to. The person who stole it would have had to go through the appropriate university channels to steal it without anyone noticing, and I can’t seem to track it. It’s concerning, and it means that this yearbook might not even get published.”

“Does it matter that much? Most yearbooks aren’t really used as more than paperweights,” Jaehyun says, snorting derisively.

“The yearbook doesn’t matter to me,” Doyoung says bluntly. “The fact that I make it will. I need to have myself as president of the yearbook committee down on paper because I have a lot of other arrangements relying on that fact.”

It’s charming to know that he’s still as ambitious, while still being as entirely obnoxious about it as always. Not much changes in four years, not really. “What has this got to do with me or the fact that I passed third year accounting?”

“I can’t prove anything or make any assumptions as to where this money disappeared to. I’ve managed to secure the accounting records of the committee, as well as several others which share the budget.” The hope is evident in Doyoung’s voice. “I was hoping you’d be willing to take a look at them and see if you spot anything unusual.”

Doyoung shrugs off his backpack, and pulls out a thick lever arch file, so overstuffed that pages already start to fall out.

“Paper records? Seriously?” Jaehyun says, flipping the cover open while it remains in Doyoung’s hands.

“I know, I know, I’m sorry,” Doyoung says apologetically. “The digital records are impossible for me to get, this is really the only thing I’m able to have in my possession and even then, this is coming at a great personal cost. But that doesn’t matter. Could you help me?”

Jaehyun flips through several of the pages and sees nothing but endless hand drawn columns and neat numbers. “Doyoung, it’ll take me several hours to get through this, and I can’t even guarantee you I’ll find what you want. If someone stole the money, it’s possible they’ve covered their tracks too good for me to spot it.”

“It’s a lot to ask, I know,” Doyoung says, and it’s the first time Jaehyun has heard him sound so vulnerable. “But I really need someone’s help and I have no idea who to turn to. If you can help me... I... I’ll really owe you one. I just... I have a lot hanging on this dumb book.”

Doyoung’s eyes are so big. They’re so, so big, it seems implausible that he can even see at all . They’re just so round and full of emotion, and Jaehyun’s never really cared that much about the metaphorical aspects of eyes but Doyoung’s really seems like they carry around his soul. Jaehyun wants a cigarette. More than anything he wants a cigarette, _anything_ other than staring into Doyoung’s pleading gaze. He looks at Jaehyun like he’s a lifeboat and he’s drowning.

And this isn’t Jaehyun. Jaehyun doesn’t do favours for people, least of all for people like Doyoung. He’s smart. He could make another plan if he really wanted to, Jaehyun wouldn’t put it past him to be standing on street corners with the file, begging for passerby’s to lend him a calculator.

But he came here. He came to Jaehyun.

“Okay. I’ll try,” Jaehyun says, taking the file from Doyoung. It’s heavy.

“Really?” Unabashed joy shines on Doyoung’s face and he smiles broadly. “You’ll look?”

“I’ll do my best. I can’t promise you I’ll find anything, but if there is, I’ll let you know.”

“Thank you.”

It seems like there should be something more, like the moment is incomplete, like it’s ending with a comma instead of a period. That there needs to be something in between now and the future. He doesn’t know what - but this is where it would fit.

But nothing happens. Doyoung just smiles, the tension in his shoulders lifting.

*

“It’s Mark’s birthday!” Taeyong says, shaking Jaehyun by the shoulders, his broad smile shining. “Can you believe he’s finally twenty-one?” 

Jaehyun adjusts his position on the swivel chair to face Taeyong. “I’m happy for him. I’ll, uh, send him a text.” He hesitates under Taeyong’s stare. “I’ll call him.”

“Why don’t you just come out with us tonight? We’re going to the club, it’s gonna be so great. Don’t worry, I’ll pay!” Taeyong wiggles his fingers together. “I got some of that extra scholarship money to burn.”

“Uh, I’m not sure. I kind of have some stuff to do.” Jaehyun’s eyes burn from the strain of repetitive numbers dancing on the pages but he’s only on March of the previous year. He still has to catch up all the way to present day.

“But… it’s almost semester end. Didn’t you finish your business plan already? I still helped you bind it.” Taeyong’s head cocks to the side.

“Yeah, that’s done, this is something else.”

“Come on, it’s gonna be fun, really. Ten and Johnny are coming along as well!” Taeyoung rests his hands on the back of Jaehyun’s chair. “There’s not gonna be many other opportunities for us to hang out like this.”

Jaehyun must truly be losing his touch if it’s actual guilt that’s pressing at the edges of his mind. There is a noticeable limit to the amount of times left to go out with his friends, and he supposes he could go out for a drink or two-

But he eyes the stack of files, and recalls the urgency in which Doyoung all but begged him for his assistance, and Jaehyun could give himself fifty different excuses as to why he feels the need to help Doyoung as quickly as possible but he settles for the simplest one: he wants to.

“I really would, but I have to finish this. I’ll try and work as quickly through it as possible and meet you guys there. And if not, we can go out next week,” Jaehyun’s apparently becoming the compromising type.  “I owe him a basketball game anyway, as he keeps reminding me, maybe we can do that.”

He hopes, he actually considers _praying_ , that Taeyong doesn’t ask him what he’s doing.

“What are you doing?” Taeyong asks.

“A… favour,” Jaehyun finishes.

“For who?”

“A… friend.”

Taeyong’s eyebrows are raised but he doesn’t press further. “Alright. I hope you can make it. Text me later.”

When he leaves, it’s still light and even when the sun goes down, Jaehyun doesn’t notice, his eyes entirely fixed with pouring over the rows and columns of numbers. He boils the kettle to make coffee and forgets to even do so.

 

**Ten**

You missed a good time <3

**Me**

Sorry. I’ll see you for lunch on Saturday, right?

**Ten**

Yeah, you better.

*

“You have to be quiet. Mark’s still sleeping,” Doyoung whispers as he opens the door. “He only came home like an hour ago. He spent the whole day at the house of someone he met from the club. I don’t even know if he’s eaten.”

“I won’t be long,” Jaehyun says. He doesn’t speak softer, but he lowers his register. Feels like that’s good enough.

He steps inside, gesturing for Jaehyun to follow. It’s jarring how familiar it all looks. _Obviously_ , it looks familiar, it’s only been a little over a year since he’s last been here, it’s not like they’d have the time to build a conservatory or a rose garden right here in the dorm. But he still recognizes some of the things he saw the first time, his eyes catching on the dark green button-down hanging on his closet.

The obvious difference is in the presence of Mark, splayed out on his bed, a trail of drool drying on his cheek.

Jaehyun wastes no time in removing the file from his aching arm and dropping it on Doyoung’s desk. “It took me about ten hours, but I managed to find a few irregularities that occured at the start of this year. I don’t know the intricacies of the committee but it’s suspicious that you’ve been paying some sort of ‘tax’ to the publishers months after the book is released.” Jaehyun flips to a highlighted section, his handwritten notes in the margin the only letters on the page. “I’ve marked all the transactions. This should be enough to present a case to the university.”

This might be the first time Jaehyun’s ever seen Doyoung speechless. He runs his fingers across the file, staring at the numbers, a hint of inexplicable confusion in his eyes. “I gave this to you yesterday.”

It’s not something that can really be responded to. Jaehyun closes the file.

“You didn’t go out for Mark’s birthday,” Doyoung says, his words with a hint of reservation.

“And where would you get that idea from?” Jaehyun asks, cautiously.

“I was there.”

The initial reaction that enters Jaehyun’s mind is outrage at the fact that while Jaehyun was getting paper cuts, Doyoung was out taking shots and having a good time.

“I didn’t think you’d actually stay in to work on these. I wouldn’t have expected you to.”

Well, it’s not like Jaehyun can take back his hours. “It’s whatever. I wasn’t in the mood to go out anyway.” He realizes he’s talking too loudly when Mark makes a muffled groan. “Anyway, there you go.”

“Thanks, Jaehyun,” Doyoung said softly. “You didn’t have to do this for me, but you did, and I won’t forget that. You’re helping me out more than you realize.”

Jaehyun nods, not modest enough to refuse the gratitude. It’s too quiet, too reminiscent of the last time they were in this room, they’re too close. “Cool. See you.”

He’s got his hand on the door handle when he feels a light touch on his shoulder, and it almost burns because he can’t quite forget exactly what those hands feel like when they’re wrapped around him.

“Jaehyun,” Doyoung says, and his voice is soft and he doesn’t think it’s got anything to do with the person sleeping in the room. “I know we’ve sort of got a complicated history but…”

“Oh, are you referring to the time we fucked?”

Doyoung’s demeanour breaks for less than a second. “Yes. That incident does seem to come to mind. Despite that, I’m grateful you chose to help me. I wouldn’t have held it against you if you weren’t interested in ever talking to me again, considering that’s how we left things.”

Jaehyun shrugs. “It’s just how things went. I don’t hold it against you. It’s not like we’re friends though, are we?”

There’s a noticeable pause. “No. Not really.” 

“Well, either way. Hope you get your yearbook sorted.”

“Thanks again.”

If they were friends, this would be the opportune time to go out, perhaps have a celebratory drink, split a pizza - anything. There’s obvious reluctance from Doyoung on letting Jaehyun leave, and if Doyoung asked him to stay, asked him outright and direct, Jaehyun thinks he would agree. But they aren’t friends. They’ve never been friends. So Doyoung doesn’t ask him.

“See you around,” Jaehyun says.

He opens the door and this time Doyoung doesn’t stop him from leaving.

 

**Unknown**

I know I’ve said it already but I’m really grateful.

**Me**

Hope you get sorted out.

**Doyoung**

Yeah. Hope so too.

*

“Jaehyun, wanna try?” Mark says, sliding his milkshake over. It’s journey is jerky on the sticky tabletop.

He takes a polite sip. The banana flavour is overpowering but Jaehyun smiles. “I like it. Good choice.”

Mark beams at him, and Taeyong sees this exchange and smiles to himself.

“The yearbook looks really good this year,” Mark says, swirling the straw around.

“It’s out already?” Taeyong asks. He’s digging into his plate of chicken alfredo with gusto, his excess scholarship money keeping him well fed.

“Proof copy’s out.”

“It’s still quite early. Graduation lists aren’t even confirmed yet, right Jae?” Taeyong asks, turning to face him.

Jaehyun was lost in his own thoughts, but forces himself back at the mention of his name. His salad that Taeyong insisted he ordered remains untouched. “Yeah.”

“Well, obviously Doyoung wanted it finished as quickly as possible. He’s really keen for that scholarship and they seem ridiculously impressed with extracurriculars.”

It’s habit, honestly. It’s just old habit, the one he forged from junior year already, to extract every piece of information about Doyoung from Mark that he possibly could. “What scholarship?”

“God, I can’t remember the name. It’s got some fancy French name, I know that much.”

“Why does he _need_ a fancy French scholarship?”

“To study in France next year,” Mark says, effortlessly, like it’s obvious knowledge. “Obviously he’s seen how Taeyong is living up on his scholarship money and wants to get in on some of that action.”

Taeyong, who’s mid-bite, laughs, covering his mouth with his hand. “Hey!”

Jaehyun ignores him. “Why… why is he going to France? When?”

The sobriety in which he asks, flusters Mark. “Oh, uh, I’m not sure. He just seems really adamant. I don’t think he’s happy here. Don’t think he ever was, not as long as I’ve lived with him, especially after his breakup last year. He’s just finishing up this year and then doing an extra year abroad.”

 _The yearbook_. Jaehyun steps out of his chair. “Doyoung’s home?”

“Uh, yeah, I think he is, but uh, Jae, where are you going?”

He’s already got his jacket on. “I’m…” he considers lying. “I’m going over to Doyoung.”

Taeyong sets his fork down. “Jaehyun, we’re in the middle of a meal, it’s like two in the afternoon, why don’t you just eat finished and see him later if it’s so important?”

But Jaehyun’s always had this habit of succumbing to his vices. “Bye guys, I’ll pay you for the salad later.”

“Jaehyun, your bag, you left your bag-”

*

**Me**

Can you open up? I’m outside your dorm but security won’t let me in. I don’t have my student card on me.

**Doyoung**

Yeah.

Sure.

Okay.

Be there now.

 

“Jaehyun, I’m really surprised to see you,” Doyoung says as he walks Jaehyun up to his room. “Especially because I recall Mark mentioning you were going out for lunch with him?”

Jaehyun doesn’t answer, and Doyoung doesn’t attempt another conversation. He opens the room door for him, and he lets Jaehyun walk in first.

His eyes catch on the suitcase that’s against his closet. It’s dark green in colour, half open, and there’s several neatly folded pairs of underwear on top of it. Doyoung follows Jaehyun’s line of sight, and he flushes, rushing to shove them inside the case, closing it.

“So…” Doyoung says, adjusting his sweater. It’s blue and it’s got a bird on it. It’s quite possibly the dorkiest sweater Jaehyun has ever seen in his life. He fucking loves it.  

“You never told me you planned to leave,” Jaehyun says. He tries to keep the accusatory tone out of his voice.

Doyoung’s eyes widen considerably. “Oh. Okay. Yeah. That’s a thing. Uh.” He rests one of his hands on the case as some kind of attempt to appear casual. “I just… it wasn’t something I planned to do. I just need a change and, well, this is good enough.”

“You never did any extracurriculars, did you?” Jaehyun asks, more to himself. “You were too busy with the degree and your mentorship. That’s why you joined the yearbook committee, isn’t it? It’s the only one that still had empty membership even when the year was drawing to a close.”

There’s what seems to be a gentle smile on Doyoung’s face. “When I first met you, I thought you were an idiot, you know? I was very wrong. You’re really intelligent, Jaehyun. Not quite my level, but you’ll make it to a close second.” It’s almost like there’s pride in his expression.

“Why didn’t you tell me then?” Jaehyun asks. The only thing between them is Doyoung’s bed and it’s hardly a _barrier_ , but it seems that way, as if they were speaking from different places on the Earth. 

“I don’t know,” Doyoung says plainly. “Didn’t come up. We’re not really friends. Didn’t see a need to share it.” Then he does that thing he does sometimes, where he hesitates before speaking, where he considers his words carefully, very carefully. “Why does it matter? Do you think you’ll miss me?”

“Your absence will be noted,” is all Jaehyun says.

Taeyong was right. Two in the afternoon was a weird time to have a conversation like this. The sun continued to cheerfully shine in the room, there was discernible noise from the corridors, of course there was, it was the middle of the day, everyone was going about their business - it was hardly the ideal atmosphere.

It was too late now, anyway. This was happening.

“Well, that’s it really. I’m doing a year abroad. I’m hopefully going to get a scholarship. Not quite as exciting as you’d think.” Doyoung’s fingers play with the zipper of the suitcase.

“Do you think it’ll be good there?” he asks. “Better?”

“It _has_ to be,” Doyoung’s voice breaks. “I don’t want to be here anymore. I can’t handle more of the same.”

Jaehyun could relate. Jaehyun could very much relate. “Yeah. I know how that feels.”

“You know-” Doyoung cuts himself off, barely a second after speaking. “Forget it. It’s stupid.”

“Continue your sentence.”

“No, it’s stupid, it’s not worth it.”

“Continue,” Jaehyun says. He stares at Doyoung until he falters under his glare.

“It sounds stupid if I say it out loud but I actually… I tried to get you to notice . I kept telling Mark to get you to play basketball together because if you’d walk into the gym you’d have seen the massive banner about semesters abroad. You never did though, and it was stupid anyway, but... well, maybe I’m dumber than I thought I was. I thought you might also enjoy the idea of an escape.”

 Jaehyun stares. All this time he had just assumed Mark was just desperate for company, and Jaehyun had just rebuffed him. He hadn’t played in years, he didn’t want to embarass himself.

“You could have just fucking… emailed me a link to the PDF,” is all Jaehyun ends up saying, is all that the shock that Jaehyun experiences allows him to say.

“We don’t _talk_ Jaehyun, we’re not friends. I’ve known you for four years, and we’ve never even texted each other a ‘hello’,” Doyoung says, a hint of bitterness in his voice. “It was stupid anyway, I don’t know why I assumed you’d be interested.”

Jaehyun could take a guess as to why. “Is it because it’s something you wanted and you figured that we generally seem to want the same thing?” Jaehyun asks. “That we both walk around with the similar kind of emptiness. Reflections in different mirrors.”

His silence is confirmation enough. Doyoung turns his face away. “Look, Jaehyun, I’ve got a lot of packing to do. I’ve told you everything. That’s the full story.  I’ll text you my flight details if that’s what you want. I’m leaving in two weeks.”

That’s too soon. That’s far too soon. Jaehyun was supposed to have much longer, was supposed to take his time with this, not do something stupid like, oh, rush in at two in the afternoon in the middle of lunch and confront him.

 “Is there anything else you want?”

Jaehyun crosses the threshold in fast steps, his mind left somewhere behind, probably still in the restaurant, probably still in his dorm room, probably never existed to begin with. He cups Doyoung’s jaw with his hand, fingers caressing over the soft skin, pausing for a moment to trace his lips with his thumb before replacing it with his own. It’s a sort of timeless kiss, because that’s what it seems like, like the tender way in which his mouth flutters over his could fit in any kind of narrative in any kind of history.

Doyoung’s hands connect at the back of Jaehyun’s neck, pulling him closer, inhaling him. His fingertips trace tiny circles on the hairs that rest there and he holds him so tightly. His tongue slides into his, an open invitation. It shouldn’t be possible that he could miss this when he barely got to experience it the first time - but Jaehyun feels like he could spend the rest of the afternoon just rediscovering the intricacies of Doyoung’s mouth.

But he can’t. He shouldn’t even be doing this anyway, this isn’t what he’s supposed to be doing. He pulls away, with difficulty, forcing himself to take steps back to stop himself just reigniting another kiss. He stares at Doyoung, eyes fixed on his swollen lips.

And then Doyoung says, in an absolutely wrecked voice: “Oh, Jaehyun, you can’t do that. You’ll make me not want to leave.”

And Jaehyun can’t stop himself coming closer just to kiss him again because his memory hadn’t done an accurate job of preserving the exact tone and manner in which Doyoung breathlessly says his name. He counts to ten mentally, doing a better job this time in mapping out exactly how Doyoung feels and tastes when he’s between his arms. He has to remember the precise manner in which Doyoung’s breath shifts when he teases teeth on his bottom lip, needs to remember exactly how warm his hands are as they slide up Jaehyun’s shirt . When he reaches ten, he steps back, all the way back, too far to fall into temptation again.

“Right,” Jaehyun says, his breath coming out in uneven bursts. “Just needed to do that one last time.”

Doyoung’s staring at his hand as if in disbelief that seconds before it had been tangled in Jaehyun’s hair, and was now hovering in air, empty. “What… what?”

“I just. I couldn’t let you go without doing that one more time. I didn’t… I didn’t memorize it properly the last time.”

Jaehyun’s blood thrums so hot and so loud, his heartbeat must be audible across the street.

“Applications haven’t closed,” Doyoung says, in one breath, almost like the words had to be rushed out. “To study abroad. They haven’t closed yet.”

The afternoon sky is too bright to even suggest something like that - but Doyoung says it unembellished. He’s standing next to the window, and from the way the sun strikes the glass, it illuminates Doyoung’s face. It’s almost blue. 

“Do you want me there?” Jaehyun asks.

“It’s not like I have any control over the decisions you make for yourself, I mean if you feel that it’s the best option for your career to study further, then my opinion is irrelevant, you should do what you feel is best. France does have a good university, and the credits are transferable, it might help to have the international contacts when moving further into the job search later in life, especially in your field where your rely a lot on foreign contact. Conversely, if you have other plans-” Doyoung is using far too many words and Jaehyun cuts him off when he raises his hand, daring to take one step further.

 “Doyoung,” Jaehyun says, as gently as he can which is difficult, which is so difficult, when every part of him doesn’t want to have to ask again, the words too vulnerable to be spoken, too raw. “Do you want me there?”

Jaehyun already knows the answer he’s going to get. Because no one wants Jaehyun, not in that kind of permanent capacity, he’s not a sustained possibility, he’s something to pass the time with. They tolerate Jaehyun, that’s as much as he can hope to achieve and he’s fine with that. Most of the friendships he has in his life were built on mutual tolerance, nothing more, never any motivation to try harder, he isn’t worth putting any actual effort into attaining. All his romantic entanglements were based on even more unstable ground, destined to fail, always destined to fail, and it’s got to be because of that hollow he just carries around, because that’s the space he’d carry the place where he cares, but he doesn’t have that, and that why everything fails, because why would anyone try when they don’t even _want_ him?

Because that’s just Jaehyun. He’s abrasive like he’s got a sweater of thorns and even the most seasoned gardener gets tired of being pricked, gets tired of bleeding just to see the same old rose they see every single day. So when Jaehyun asks Doyoung: “Do you want me there?”, he won’t be surprised when Doyoung says he doesn’t. Because that’s just who he is and that’s just what happens to people like him.

But Doyoung looks at him, with those big eyes, and those angular cheekbones, his eyebrows raised but his expression soft, and he says:

“I want you there.” 

*

* * *

 

**Me**

You need to stop texting this number. Everytime I switch on roaming, I end up with fifty texts from the last few days all from you. I’ll switch to a French number soon, I’m just a little busy.

**Ten**

I miss you

**Me**

It’s been like two weeks.

**Ten**

-_-

**Me**

I miss you too.

**Ten**

What are you even busy with?

**Me**

University stuff, what else?

Anyway, I’m gonna switch off data roaming again, I don’t really have time to chat. Me and Doyoung have gotta go to some welcoming cocktail the uni’s throwing us.

**Ten**

Fiiiiiine. Take pics. We’ll skype the weekend, okay? Have fun.

Btw, I like the new profile pic. Did Doyoung take that?

**Me**

Shut up.

But yeah. He did.

**Ten**

;)

**Me**

[THIS NUMBER IS UNAVAILABLE]

**Author's Note:**

> ahhh i really hope you all enjoyed, pls leave kudos + feedback if you did! i may or may not write the johnten side of this uhh i'll have to see tbh but let me know if that's a Thing that may be interesting
> 
> pls find me on:  
> \- [tumblr](http://jungwoop.tumblr.com/)  
> \- [twitter](https://twitter.com/minhyukwithagun/)  
> \- [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/minhyukwithagun/)  
> \- under your local drawbridge
> 
> thanks for reading! <3


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